It Happens In A Blink

Life happens. And, it happens fast. Below are some lyrics to one of my favorite songs:

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?

I've come face to face with these truths and asked myself this very question. What is it I've done with my life? And how many more tomorrows will I wait for? 

In just these last few weeks, we have gone to the beach more times than the entire summer of last year. We have had more ice cream and more bonfires; stayed up later and slept in many mornings. We have somehow become dream chasers instead of running from the dreams that chase us. We have hugged more and fought less and cried together instead of alone. Really, what we're doing is really living.Life is short. Of course, we can agree that Christiano's life was short - because it ended abruptly and much too soon. But, truly it is ALL life that is short; even the hundred year life. The Bible compares our life to a hands breath or a vapor.

'Look, you make my days short-lived, and my life span is nothing from your perspective. Surely all people, even those who seem secure, are nothing but vapor.' Psalm 39:5

Eight months ago, Christiano left us all behind. Eight months has felt like an eternity, and it has also felt a blink. Time has been both frozen and melting before us. It holds, yet somehow it slips away. We are so still at times; immovable, shattered, broken, all over the place in our stillness. Unable to go anywhere, but right where we are. Like the soles of our feet have been superglued to this place of grief. But, sometimes we are able to move and we are free. Free to feel and to run. Free to love and to live. Able to breathe in and breath out. Free to chase God and the dreams He has given us. I guess being stuck and being free at the same time is similar to that joy and suffering that are coexisting inside of us, as well. 

In eight months so much has happened. A new school, a new business location, a new nephew. Three major holidays, five of our birthdays - one of which was Christiano's, Mother's Day and Father's Day. Made some new friends, missing some old ones and learning which ones are true. We have established a Memorial Foundation in Christiano's memory, and I have learned some new things about life and about myself; been supported by many and shot down by a few. I am still learning to live without you, while loving harder than I ever have and holding fast to my faith in a time that I have more questions than answers. Daily, I am choosing to  draw closer to God, even when I want to run - especially when I want to run. And, I'm living out this life when quitting seems easier. 

Christiano, you've taught me so much; both in death and in life. Because of you, I'm choosing to live each day fully. I'm saying yes to beach days and no to waiting. I'm listening more and speaking less. You were so good at listening. I'm trading offense for love and impatience for peace. I'm living life on purpose and I'm more aware that tomorrow isn't promised. Sometimes, I resent learning through your death, and I'm mad at myself that I didn't always see these things clearly when you were here with me. But, then I think of what you would want for me. You wouldn't want me to stop living or give up on love. You'd want me in the Word and drawing closer to the One Who is holding you because He is holding me, too. I can only imagine all the life lessons you've learned already. But, it's so painful not to see you learn and grow. It crushes my very heart. And, it is in these moments I have to decide once again to make another trade. This morning, I'm trading a crushed spirit for a teachable spirit. Lord, teach me today. Teach me all the things that You're teaching my boy, and make us both more like You. 

'LORD, make me to know my end And what is the extent of my days; Let me know how transient I am. Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths, And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight; Surely every man at his best is a mere breath. Selah.' Psalm 39:4-5

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IvuxFdM3S58