Two Years

I'm running out of pictures of you - to look at, to share with others, to display in the house; moments have all passed, and they're passing even further away. Memories are all I have left until I see you again, and even those are becoming more fuzzy. Just last night, I was asking myself what your favorite food was, and I was getting it all mixed up in my mind. This still doesn't make any sense. You were here one day and just gone the next. We were all living life to the full, you, me, Dad, Gabriella, Brian and Nate, then you were just gone - robbed from a life spent with us, and us robbed from a life spent with you. That's when the brokenness came through and drained us of almost everything  - leaving us near empty in just one instant. You were part of our world, and I've lived to keep it that way. Every single day since, I've worked hard to keep your memory alive, to remember you and the love you gave to everyone. It's not easy, though. Especially, since you're not really here. I know you are with Jesus, waiting so patiently for us. You aren't suffering the way we've all had to without you. You've been made new and made whole; and in a different way - we've been made new, also. We aren't the same family we always were. All of our ideals - the ones for you and for us - were gone two years ago. Our 'perfect' family of six made incomplete in one instant. Invaded by tragedy - you were stolen from us. And, for the first time in my life - there was NOTHING that I could do to fix it. Since, I was a little girl I had a picture in my mind of what my family would be. Coming to know God through the revelation of Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me at the young age of nineteen only sealed the hope of having a wonderful life. I worked hard to make that happen, while Dad worked overtime to give us all what we needed. We shared so many special times together as a young family and truly, with the help of God, we had a beautiful life going on. But, October 24th, 2013, changed EVERYTHING for us. Our wonderful, beautifully, made whole family was shattered into what felt like a million pieces. I didn't know how I could ever go on... Yet, here I am. Christiano, in your time here you taught me so much - how to care for a child, to be a good mother, to love, to have patience, to train and to disciple, to listen and to understand. But, in your death, you've taught me so much more. Because I couldn't fix this, the loss of you showed me how to really let go and let God, to trust Him with my life even if I don't always understand, to pour out my broken heart and to lay down my broken life before the throne of only one with the power to make me whole; and, God has been more than faithful. From the ruins, He has made us new and renewed our hope daily. I've learned to let him heal and mold and shape our family into what He calls it now to be. His beauty for our ashes; our lives for His glory. I'm so thankful for you, Christiano. I'm thankful that I got to spend 18 years of your earthly life, nurturing you, caring for you, loving you and mothering you. Most of all, I'm thankful for all you taught me. Just knowing that you are up there surrounding all of us in prayer and witnessing God's restoration power in your family gives me such peace.Your light shines brighter, still, than anyone I've ever known. You continue to be a rare and beautiful soul who we all love and miss so greatly. You were always destined for greatness, and I can't wait to hear of all the great things you've done when we are reunited in Heaven. 

'Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of [a]witnesses [who by faith have testified to the truth of God’s absolute faithfulness], stripping off every unnecessary weight and the sin which so easily and cleverly entangles us, let us run

with endurance and active persistence the race that is set before us...' Hebrews 12:1

Hello, Goodbye.

First off, I would like to thank all of you who have supported the Christiano Barbosa Memorial Foundation in any way. Year one was a huge success! We were able to raise almost 12,000.00, which enables us to award four deserving recipients with a 1,500 dollar scholarship! We were also able to attach a 500 dollar scholarship to a Volleyball Sportsmanship award that will now and forever be given in Christiano's name. These things would never have been possible without your prayer, financial gifts and volunteer time! So, again, we thank you. 

As you know, losing Christiano has been painfully life changing for our family. Living without his beautiful heart, contagious laughter, and unconditional love has been a daily challenge. The void in our home, family, and community can never be replaced. Christiano was like none other, and, although his spirit lives on, his tangible presence is gone from earth forever. This raw truth has brought many challenges along with it. With the loss of a loved one the hardest part is figuring out how to live without that person. But, the challenges do not stop there. Not even close. Grief is ugly and painful. It has more facets than there are words to describe. Physical loss, depression, post traumatic stress, financial strain, job struggles, relationship issues, family trauma, health problems - these are all common burdens that can come from grief. Interestingly, each one of these cause more grief. Grief can be a viscous cycle, and often it's symptoms are beyond our control. After our loss, at least one of us experienced all of the above symptoms and more. We've literally been through the ringer, and we're still walking through. 

Thankfully, we are not without hope. We have a firm hope and foundation in CHRIST. He is our anchor - firm and secure, and we have clung to Him in this time, gaining an intimacy that is far beyond our human understanding. This past year we have found the end of ourselves and learned to lean on the Lord in everything - going from parents who wanted to cling closer to our remaining children after losing one, to parents with unclenched fists and surrendered arms stretched out to the only one who is capable of carrying us. And, through it all, He HAS carried us. In a time that we could have walked away to God, His very own grace drew us deeper into His presence. It was in His presence where He began to reveal His next step for our family. Faithfully, He showed us what do do and how to move forward, even when moving forward felt like betrayal to our son. Parts of us were screaming to stay right where we were - to go back if we could. But, that's not what God wanted. He wanted us to walk forward and trust fully in His plan. 

He began to show us how to go on without forgetting our son, and the CBMF was such an intricate part of that process. However, we started to see that He had an even bigger plan than that. 

God started placing people in our hearts bigger than ever before. Our burden for people expanded, and, even though we were going through our own 'stuff,' God kept giving us opportunities to minister HIS love to broken people. Our hearts became broken for people who felt that they had no hope. There are so many who feel that way, so many who have given up. And, we understood. We understood why people wanted to quit. We were faced with that same option over and over again. And, if it were up to us - we WOULD have quit. But, God. He wouldn't let us quit. So, as things kept getting worse and more and more 'things' were being stripped from us; God kept beckoning us back to Him. We could barely stand and felt like our life was in shambles. But, we KNEW that God was with us in the ruins; that He would rebuild His kingdom within us. When we find ourselves in the ruins, (which we all do at some point) we can trust God to rebuild what is of Him. It is only what is of Him that can never be destroyed. Everything else, we have to surrender to Him; we are not in control. But, from the ruins, we can come out whole and in some ways better than before the destruction that tore everything down. Our scars will be there, and we will never forget where we have been. Just as the scars remained in Jesus' hands to cause us, his disciples, do remember that He was broken for us; our scars remain so we can remember that we were once broken, too. But, it is because of Calvary that we have been made new! Jesus didn't just talk about helping people, he did it. He took loving us so far that He gave his very life. 

In Matthew 25:35 Jesus said, 'when I was hungry you fed me, when I was thirsty you have me a drink, when I was a stranger you invited me in. That is where 'From the Ruins' comes in. We want to help you in a real and practical way. We want to come alongside you and lead you back to a place of hope and restoration. We want you to know that you aren't alone in the ruins of this life. 

"If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight. I will always show you where to go. I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—firm muscles, strong bones. You’ll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You’ll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again."

Isaiah 10-12 

Through much prayer and weeping we now know that it is time to say goodbye to the Christiano Barbosa Memorial Foundation and launch From the Ruins Ministry. We are still extremely passionate about keeping our son's memory alive, but we are trusting God to do it in ways beyond our greatest expectations. We are still going to give at least one scholarship every year, as well. But, we believe that helping broken people is most effective when practical needs are being met. Grocery gift cards, paying utility bills, providing emotional support, connecting communities, adopt-a-family at Christmas... To start, these are just some of the 'little/big' things we want to do within this organization. We have big dreams, but we serve a BIG God. We are looking forward to loving others as He has loved us. He is leading us every step of the way, and I have no doubt that this ministry will bring God glory in all things. 

Please pray for us as we embark on this adventure. I never want to be anything but honest with all of you, so let me just say, this is not the story we wanted, but we have vowed to give God our story - for Him to finish, no matter what the cost. And, to those of you who have listened to our hearts as we've allowed God to show us His plan and for bearing with us in prayer for His clarity and perfect will - we are eternally grateful. And, thank you to our son in heaven who has been cheering us on since his departure! We thank you, Christiano. Sometimes, I can literally hear you telling me to keep going! And, the biggest thanks of all - to God: our Father, our King, and our most faithful and constant friend. We know You are for us! 

So, we say Hello, Goodbye! 

Ready, Set, Let's Go!!

Mothers Without

Mothers Without

Mothers who are without this Mother's Day - this is for you.

Mothers without a mother to hug or a child to hold, mothers without the ability to bear a child of their own or mothers estranged from their children, mothers without their husband to praise them, mothers without hope and without peace, mothers without strength and without answers to life's questions, mothers without solutions to the worlds problems and without explanations for the many injustices all around us. It is for mothers like these that I cry out to God for today. I cry out to Him because He knows. He knows each pain, burden, each suffering that we ever experience. Not only does He know, but He cares. The Bible tells us we can cast our cares on the Lord and He will sustain us. And, why? Because we are all called children of God. 

Any mother knows what it's like to want to provide for her children. We don't want to see them go through the hard things. From the little falls that skin their knees to the bigger falls that we can no longer fix with a simple kiss and a bandaid. For mothers, just seeing our child cry is enough to make us cry. We long to comfort and fix. We long to make it go away. But, sometimes we just can't. When our son strikes out and loses the game, we just can't fix it. When our daughter's best friends moves far away, we simply can't fix it. What's done is done, and we can't change what's already been done. All we can do for our children in these situations is love, pray, love, listen, comfort and love some more.

For so long, I thought I could never be fixed. Losing Christiano was something that I just couldn't ever fathom healing from. I would often think, 'what's done is done.' Of course, I have always believed that God is my father and that he can bring comfort and healing to my situation - that He could, of course, bring me forward through my pain. But, I really just thought I'd always be broken. A mother who has lost a child has lost a part of herself. A mother who has lost a child has a forever hole in her heart. A mother who has lost a child is always going to have something missing and something broken. She will NEVER be whole. Those are all things I thought. And, sometimes I still do. But, really - I think I forget sometimes...

I forget that I'm a daughter of the King. I forget that God is the restorer to the broken. I forget that my God is bigger than anything else this world has to offer. I forget that my Father is Holy and ABLE to do exceedingly more that I could ever ask or think. I forget that Christiano was never truly mine and that he's been brought back to his original creator. I forget that God promises to replace my heart of stone with his heart of flesh - the heart that should have more room for Him than anyone or anything else. I forget that His love for me isn't based on anything I have done. I think I thought that since a bandaid couldn't fix me, that I'd just never be fixed. But, I forgot that God is God; and He is bigger than all of this. 

This Mother's Day and every Mother's Day - I am His daughter, above all. Although being a mother is such a huge part of who He made me, it is not ultimately who I am. Although it is a great gift, He is the greatest gift. Who I really am is His. He is the One who knows my pain. He is the One who heals my heart. He is the One who holds my future. And, because He is all of this - I don't have to mask my pain or hide my hurt. I don't have to fake a smile. I don't have to pretend that I'm whole. I get to be just as I am, and I get to know that He's working all of it out. I get to know that I'm in his loving hands and that I will someday be whole again - whether that's now or later, whether it's here or there, this one thing I know... I am His, forever. 

Happy Mother's Day to every mother out there. Find yourself in Him - your worth, your heart, your identity; let it all be in the One who will forever call you daughter. You will never truly be without if you let God live within. 

It's Friday Now, But Sunday's Coming

It's Friday Now, But Sunday's Coming...

Friday didn't look so GOOD 2,000 years ago, yet we call this Good Friday. This day acknowledges the day Jesus gave his life for ours - the day he was abused, condemned, mocked, misunderstood and wrongfully accused; the same day that his mother, Mary, had to watch as her son was being whipped and beaten beyond recognition; the day she watched her son die. Yet, we call it good. It does not seem to make sense, right?

I cannot help but feel for Jesus's disciples. Imagine having Jesus right by your side, having your back, and working everything out; going from a place of complete confidence and faith to a place of severe grief and utter despair. And, all of this happened on a Friday. Not just any Friday, but a Friday that the world would eventually call good? NOTHING about that Friday was good, if we look at the events that took place. What is good about pain? What could be good about an innocent man being beaten and flogged and crucified unto death?

BUT, God. BUT, Sunday! Friday would have never looked so good if there wasn't a Sunday. God never would have been seen faithful if there wasn't a Sunday. Sunday brought forth LIFE for death, Hope for despair, and Heaven for Hell! Sunday made Friday good, after all.

Some of us are in a Friday season; some of us cannot see Sunday yet. We cannot see a way out of our situation; the pain is raw and the confusion is deep. I have been living and re-living Friday for almost 18 months. But, Sunday is coming! I KNOW IT! It's only Friday, but Sunday is coming!

Perfection died, so we could live.

And, my life died once, too. My life as I knew it died on October 24th, 2013. My definition of perfect - gone forever. But, I am not without hope, and I am not without my Sunday - the day where death lost it's sting and it's victory! God was for us on Friday, an He is for us on Sunday!

If our God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all-how will He not also, along with Him, freely give us all things? Romans 8:31-32

If you are still in your Friday, God understands. He knows the pain of losing a son and the pain of being rejected. In fact, there is no pain common to us that Jesus himself did not endure. But, this brings me comfort... that Jesus could, in his human flesh, endure his Friday knowing that Sunday would come.

Don't quit. Don't give up. Don't stop believing for your Sunday.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...

'Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.' -Forrest Gump 

This quote rings true to every day, but what better day to reflect on it then 'Love Day?' I've learned that in this life there are no guarantees, warrantees, returns or refunds. No amount of will power can can make life cooperate just the way we want it to. This life is JUST like a box of chocolates. You make a choice to pick the chocolate you like and then pop it in your mouth. You bite and chew until you start to taste the flavor. And, it just may be the best tasting chocolate you've ever had. Or, it may be the yuckiest! It's one of those things that you just can't know until after you've already made the choice. Similarly, in this life, we are faced with choices every day. For all of us, they start the minute we open our eyes. Will we get up, or will we stay in bed a little longer? Will we pray and read the word, or will we do that later? Some of us are waking to a baby crying or to the phone ringing. Will we go pick up the child or let him fuss a while longer? Will we answer the phone or let it go to the voicemail? Just as we are faced with choices, we are also presented with opportunities. Opportunities to draw closer to God, to love people better, to eat a little healthier, or to lean on the Lord for everything that concerns us. Or, we can choose to ignore the opportunities. Reject God, harbor bitterness, eat whatever we please, or just do everything in our own strength. Some of us will simply go through the motions or fly by the wind, believing that we aren't really making any true decisions. But, when we don't make any decisions, we deceive ourselves. Because, indecision is still decision. 

How amazing is it to know that God chose to love us before the foundations of the earth? Before, we ever did anything right or made a right choice? That God doesn't operate and function the way we so? That he knew exactly what he was going to get from you and from me, and He still CHOSE us? That God doesn't waiver in His love or in His choice toward us? 

Ephesians 1:4-5 says, 'Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.'

He wanted us! And, choosing us gave him great pleasure! Even with the ugly parts of us and the unpleasantries in each of us, He didn't waiver on His choice to love us! He has a beautiful end to this crazy earth life, predestined for all of us. To live with and become one with Christ; to experience eternal pleasure forever. And, He has gone ends of the earth for you to know this love. He gave his only son for YOU. 

Life IS like a box of chocolates and we can't really ever know what today or tomorrow will bring. But, when we choose God, we can know that He will be with us. We can know that this life isn't all there is; that what we experience here is nothing compared to what has been laid out for those who choose Him. All we can really know about this life is that it will end one day. It seems so sad to me; so hard to believe that we just live for a while and then die. As I said before, in this life there are no guarantees, warrantees, returns or refunds. However, there is a wonderful exchange policy. Christ gave His life, so that we may live for eternity. 

John 3:16 says, 

'For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.'

It really is that simple, friends. This life isn't all there is. If it were, how could I ever keep going? I know that I know that I will see my son again. This is the hope I have in Christ. The truth is, this life can never truly fill us. Even if everything was to go our way, there would still be a void. We all thirst for more, if we are truly being honest with ourselves. Only God can fill that deep hole that just doesn't seem to go away. We were made for more than here and now. What better day to receive the free love offered to us then Valentine's Day? It will be the best choice you ever make; a true exchange offered freely with no strings attached. The one choice that tells you exactly 'what you're gonna get.' 

Life Goes On

Life Goes On 

Sad, isn't it? That life goes on without us; without our loved ones. It's like a game of tag - ready or not here it comes. And it chases and follows, and it pulls and pushes. It doesn't want you hiding on gools or taking a time-out. Instead, it wants you running around frantically just waiting to get tagged; just waiting to get captured. Life wants to pull you in as far as it can. It doesn't want to wait around for you to feel better or to be strong enough. Life doesn't give time for rest or rejuvenation. It wants to deplete you fully; to suck you dry of everything. Life doesn't care about you. Life doesn't consider you. It is relentless without a cause. It's unpredictable; its unstable; and, it's unreliable. It laughs at our plans and our strategies; it seeks to overtake us. Believe me when I say, life is completely capable of doing just that. 

So, what keeps us? When the tornado makes our head spin and the wind tries to blow us over? Where is our safe place? When the wreckage is greater than the salvage? When the broken is deeper than what little remains? Where is our refuge? When we've lost a child, a spouse, a parent, or a sibling? When friendships cease and people we never thought would leave us do? When forever is no longer after you said 'I do,' with everything in you? When our American Dream is now a fighting nightmare? Is there any escape from this struggle? Will the desperate clawing, the endless crying, the constant fighting stop? Will it ever stop? Where can we go to escape the pressure? To soften the blunt trauma? Is there even such a place? I believe there is. For me, there is only one place of escape. 

'He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.' (‭Psalms‬ ‭91‬:‭1-2‬ NKJV)

But, some of us are walking through the unimaginable. Life is taking us under, and we don't know how to get through. We've lost a precious child. We aren't called widows or orphans. Instead, we are without a name in this. No human word could ever depict or describe who we are after losing our very own child. It is the death of ourselves as we once were. We can never be the same, and our child can never be replaced. We walk through the darkest shadow of death, and we can't seem to pull ourselves through. Even when we hide in the shelter of our Mighty God, we know we cannot stay there forever. We have to come out, and we have to walk THROUGH this. Yet, He is STILL with us. 

'Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.' (Psalm 23:4)

We are never alone. Even though, lost  and forgotten by some, we are never forgotten by our God. For He knows our pain. He gave his innocent son's life, just to carry us through this life and into His loving arms - FOREVER. 

So, yes. Life goes on. Sad, isn't it? It goes on without us. It goes on without our loved ones. It's like a game of Tag, really...
But, in this particular game, we've already been tagged. Life thinks that it's knocked us out. Life thinks we aren't playing anymore. And, for some, that may be true. So many of us have let life win because we've lost something so precious. We've been tagged, and now we are out. But, we don't have to be. We don't have to play along by life's rules. We can make our own this time. We can take all the time we need for safety. We can dwell in the secret place forever. But, dwelling there doesn't mean we can't walk ahead. I know this world is a scary place. Losing a child makes us realize how fleeting life is. I know there are times that I am tempted to just stay in my house for the rest of my days. In some ways, I'm afraid to love. Because love crushed my heart into a million pieces. Giving my all meant losing all that I gave. And, it is hard. Every single day is hard. But, this life can't have me. This life cannot have any of us, if we don't let it. Instead we get to have life. And, I'm convinced that, as scary as this life can be - it is a gift. We just have to take it instead of letting it take us. We can do it. We can walk this life out together, knowing that God will be with us if we just ask Him to. Yes. It will be dark, at times. Yes. It will seem scary. Yes. We will face death. BUT, the light will not be overcome by darkness. And, just because we feel afraid doesn't mean we have to let fear reign. Death is NOT the final say for those whose Hope is anchored in Christ. Because, one day, death will be overcome, and this life that we know here will cease. 

I know what moving forward feels like for a grieving parent. It feels like we are leaving our child behind. I battle this every day, and I have to bring it before The Lord. My son would want me to live. I can sometimes sense him encouraging me to move forward. And, in my reality, which is more real than anything here on this earth, he awaits me. He isn't behind me, but ahead. I don't get to him by looking back, I see him when I press forward. 

So life goes on, no matter. Will we let it pass us by or count us out? Will we let it control us. Let it take us? Or, will WE take IT? Will we take all we can get out of this life; using it to our advantage? Letting even the hard roads lead us further towards Christ? Will we run this race with perseverance and allow God's strength to equip us with all we need to become more like His son? Fixing our eyes on what is unseen instead of the destruction surrounding us? 

'Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.' (‭II Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭16-18‬ NKJV)

RESTORE

RESTORE.

2015.

'And I will restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eaten–the hopping locust, the stripping locust, and the crawling locust, My great army which I sent among you. And you shall eat in plenty and be satisfied and praise the name of the Lord, your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you. And My people shall never be put to shame.' (‭Joel‬ ‭2‬:‭25-26‬ AMP)

Restore my JOY. 

Return to me the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit in me. Losing Christiano took so much from me - from all of us. And, joy is one of those things. It is something that I've missed terribly. I'm not talking about a temporal feeling of joy, but the joy that allowed Jesus to endure, and even embrace, the cross. This joy does not rest in things going our way or having a worry-free life. It isn't measured by perfect circumstances or perfect health; perfect marriages or earthly crowns. In fact, real joy escapes us when we give too much thought to these things. Joy is present when we keep our eyes on what lies ahead, just like Jesus did when he died for us. It has been hard for me to get my eyes off of the pain and the suffering that losing my son has brought. I want my joy back, and it's going to take some work on my part. It's going to mean taking my eyes off of my hurt and looking to the One who gives me rest; the only One who can restore.

Restore my HOPE.

I miss hoping. Hoping for good things to happen; hoping for the future; or even just for today. The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. My hope was deferred, shattered and shaken when Christiano didn't make it. Longings haven't been fulfilled for a very long time. However, my hope has not been fully lost. I never would have made it through without Jesus, my hope and anchor. But, my hope has been deferred by my circumstances. The enemy attempted to steal it, along with so many other promises I once stood so securely on. Hebrews 6:19 says, 'We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.' Thankfully, even when our thoughts and ideas of hope are shattered, our hope remains firm and secure. This means we can never drift too far away from hope. We are held by hope. And, in 2015, I would like for the restoration and reconstruction of my hope to be made complete.

Restore my IDENTITY.

This one is a biggie for me. God has worked this one out in me since the beginning of time. Wife, mother, friend... Just a few roles that I've found my identity in over the years. And, now, grieving mother has been added to the list. This is not a desirable group for anyone. In fact, NOBODY wants to ever be in this group. And, nobody in the group ever wants to welcome anyone else in. It's the loneliest place I've ever been, and I feel most inadequate and unaccepted, at times, because I'm a part of this group. It's a group where outsiders, who don't understand, get to look in and critique the members of this group. For me, it's a place with glass windows and full transparency. I've chosen to let everyone see inside and not put up any blinds. But, this transparency comes with a high price. And, that price has often been my very identity. 

You see, I haven't lived here for long and I knew nothing about it before being thrown in. I am inexperienced and inadequate and not too sure how to please everyone who is watching. I'm too 'OK' for some people, and I'm not 'OK' enough for others. I'm too Word of Faith for some and not 'Word of Faith' enough for others. I'm too much God and not enough emotion, or I'm too emotional without enough God. I'm too happy, I'm not happy enough. I'm too transparent for some, and others wish they could see more. I'm too social, or I'm not social enough. I cry too much, or I don't cry enough. I laugh too much, or I don't laugh enough. Some people think I share for attention or that I expect too much from others. Some wish I would just go away or snap out of it. Some people can't handle my pain because it's too painful for them. So many expectations, unfair assumptions, and harsh judgments; and they hurt. This kind of hurt on top of grief can make for unspeakable pain. I speak on behalf of all grieving mothers when I say that all we want is grace. But, that is usually not what we get. In the beginning, we get lots of it; but, over time, people either want us to move on faster, while some can't believe we are moving on so fast. That is why my biggest heart cry is for identity. I want for my identity to be found in God. I don't want to just be a grieving mother. I want to know that my sole identity, and the only identity that truly matters, is found in being a daughter of the king. For, in Him, I'm loved, accepted and understood. 

Although, the tragedy that forever altered my life came in 2013, truly LIVING with it came later. 2014 was all over the place. It was a year filled with more difficulty than I ever thought possible for one family to endure. I will spare you all the details, but I will say that we just barely made it through. We are ready to put it behind us now. (Although, I'm not even sure what that means, really.)

 I can never forget all the tragedy we've endured, all the losses experienced, the many disappointments over the last 14 months. But, I am choosing to believe for something again. I'm believing for brighter days ahead and strength to endure any dark ones that may creep in. I am believing for healing in our hearts and rest for our weary souls. I'm believing for God to RESTORE what's been lost like only He can. I'm believing for joy unspeakable, hope renewed and identity found only in Him. 2015, I'm ready.