It's Friday Now, But Sunday's Coming

It's Friday Now, But Sunday's Coming...

Friday didn't look so GOOD 2,000 years ago, yet we call this Good Friday. This day acknowledges the day Jesus gave his life for ours - the day he was abused, condemned, mocked, misunderstood and wrongfully accused; the same day that his mother, Mary, had to watch as her son was being whipped and beaten beyond recognition; the day she watched her son die. Yet, we call it good. It does not seem to make sense, right?

I cannot help but feel for Jesus's disciples. Imagine having Jesus right by your side, having your back, and working everything out; going from a place of complete confidence and faith to a place of severe grief and utter despair. And, all of this happened on a Friday. Not just any Friday, but a Friday that the world would eventually call good? NOTHING about that Friday was good, if we look at the events that took place. What is good about pain? What could be good about an innocent man being beaten and flogged and crucified unto death?

BUT, God. BUT, Sunday! Friday would have never looked so good if there wasn't a Sunday. God never would have been seen faithful if there wasn't a Sunday. Sunday brought forth LIFE for death, Hope for despair, and Heaven for Hell! Sunday made Friday good, after all.

Some of us are in a Friday season; some of us cannot see Sunday yet. We cannot see a way out of our situation; the pain is raw and the confusion is deep. I have been living and re-living Friday for almost 18 months. But, Sunday is coming! I KNOW IT! It's only Friday, but Sunday is coming!

Perfection died, so we could live.

And, my life died once, too. My life as I knew it died on October 24th, 2013. My definition of perfect - gone forever. But, I am not without hope, and I am not without my Sunday - the day where death lost it's sting and it's victory! God was for us on Friday, an He is for us on Sunday!

If our God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all-how will He not also, along with Him, freely give us all things? Romans 8:31-32

If you are still in your Friday, God understands. He knows the pain of losing a son and the pain of being rejected. In fact, there is no pain common to us that Jesus himself did not endure. But, this brings me comfort... that Jesus could, in his human flesh, endure his Friday knowing that Sunday would come.

Don't quit. Don't give up. Don't stop believing for your Sunday.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...

'Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.' -Forrest Gump 

This quote rings true to every day, but what better day to reflect on it then 'Love Day?' I've learned that in this life there are no guarantees, warrantees, returns or refunds. No amount of will power can can make life cooperate just the way we want it to. This life is JUST like a box of chocolates. You make a choice to pick the chocolate you like and then pop it in your mouth. You bite and chew until you start to taste the flavor. And, it just may be the best tasting chocolate you've ever had. Or, it may be the yuckiest! It's one of those things that you just can't know until after you've already made the choice. Similarly, in this life, we are faced with choices every day. For all of us, they start the minute we open our eyes. Will we get up, or will we stay in bed a little longer? Will we pray and read the word, or will we do that later? Some of us are waking to a baby crying or to the phone ringing. Will we go pick up the child or let him fuss a while longer? Will we answer the phone or let it go to the voicemail? Just as we are faced with choices, we are also presented with opportunities. Opportunities to draw closer to God, to love people better, to eat a little healthier, or to lean on the Lord for everything that concerns us. Or, we can choose to ignore the opportunities. Reject God, harbor bitterness, eat whatever we please, or just do everything in our own strength. Some of us will simply go through the motions or fly by the wind, believing that we aren't really making any true decisions. But, when we don't make any decisions, we deceive ourselves. Because, indecision is still decision. 

How amazing is it to know that God chose to love us before the foundations of the earth? Before, we ever did anything right or made a right choice? That God doesn't operate and function the way we so? That he knew exactly what he was going to get from you and from me, and He still CHOSE us? That God doesn't waiver in His love or in His choice toward us? 

Ephesians 1:4-5 says, 'Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.'

He wanted us! And, choosing us gave him great pleasure! Even with the ugly parts of us and the unpleasantries in each of us, He didn't waiver on His choice to love us! He has a beautiful end to this crazy earth life, predestined for all of us. To live with and become one with Christ; to experience eternal pleasure forever. And, He has gone ends of the earth for you to know this love. He gave his only son for YOU. 

Life IS like a box of chocolates and we can't really ever know what today or tomorrow will bring. But, when we choose God, we can know that He will be with us. We can know that this life isn't all there is; that what we experience here is nothing compared to what has been laid out for those who choose Him. All we can really know about this life is that it will end one day. It seems so sad to me; so hard to believe that we just live for a while and then die. As I said before, in this life there are no guarantees, warrantees, returns or refunds. However, there is a wonderful exchange policy. Christ gave His life, so that we may live for eternity. 

John 3:16 says, 

'For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.'

It really is that simple, friends. This life isn't all there is. If it were, how could I ever keep going? I know that I know that I will see my son again. This is the hope I have in Christ. The truth is, this life can never truly fill us. Even if everything was to go our way, there would still be a void. We all thirst for more, if we are truly being honest with ourselves. Only God can fill that deep hole that just doesn't seem to go away. We were made for more than here and now. What better day to receive the free love offered to us then Valentine's Day? It will be the best choice you ever make; a true exchange offered freely with no strings attached. The one choice that tells you exactly 'what you're gonna get.' 

Life Goes On

Life Goes On 

Sad, isn't it? That life goes on without us; without our loved ones. It's like a game of tag - ready or not here it comes. And it chases and follows, and it pulls and pushes. It doesn't want you hiding on gools or taking a time-out. Instead, it wants you running around frantically just waiting to get tagged; just waiting to get captured. Life wants to pull you in as far as it can. It doesn't want to wait around for you to feel better or to be strong enough. Life doesn't give time for rest or rejuvenation. It wants to deplete you fully; to suck you dry of everything. Life doesn't care about you. Life doesn't consider you. It is relentless without a cause. It's unpredictable; its unstable; and, it's unreliable. It laughs at our plans and our strategies; it seeks to overtake us. Believe me when I say, life is completely capable of doing just that. 

So, what keeps us? When the tornado makes our head spin and the wind tries to blow us over? Where is our safe place? When the wreckage is greater than the salvage? When the broken is deeper than what little remains? Where is our refuge? When we've lost a child, a spouse, a parent, or a sibling? When friendships cease and people we never thought would leave us do? When forever is no longer after you said 'I do,' with everything in you? When our American Dream is now a fighting nightmare? Is there any escape from this struggle? Will the desperate clawing, the endless crying, the constant fighting stop? Will it ever stop? Where can we go to escape the pressure? To soften the blunt trauma? Is there even such a place? I believe there is. For me, there is only one place of escape. 

'He who dwells in the secret place of the Most High Shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust.' (‭Psalms‬ ‭91‬:‭1-2‬ NKJV)

But, some of us are walking through the unimaginable. Life is taking us under, and we don't know how to get through. We've lost a precious child. We aren't called widows or orphans. Instead, we are without a name in this. No human word could ever depict or describe who we are after losing our very own child. It is the death of ourselves as we once were. We can never be the same, and our child can never be replaced. We walk through the darkest shadow of death, and we can't seem to pull ourselves through. Even when we hide in the shelter of our Mighty God, we know we cannot stay there forever. We have to come out, and we have to walk THROUGH this. Yet, He is STILL with us. 

'Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me.' (Psalm 23:4)

We are never alone. Even though, lost  and forgotten by some, we are never forgotten by our God. For He knows our pain. He gave his innocent son's life, just to carry us through this life and into His loving arms - FOREVER. 

So, yes. Life goes on. Sad, isn't it? It goes on without us. It goes on without our loved ones. It's like a game of Tag, really...
But, in this particular game, we've already been tagged. Life thinks that it's knocked us out. Life thinks we aren't playing anymore. And, for some, that may be true. So many of us have let life win because we've lost something so precious. We've been tagged, and now we are out. But, we don't have to be. We don't have to play along by life's rules. We can make our own this time. We can take all the time we need for safety. We can dwell in the secret place forever. But, dwelling there doesn't mean we can't walk ahead. I know this world is a scary place. Losing a child makes us realize how fleeting life is. I know there are times that I am tempted to just stay in my house for the rest of my days. In some ways, I'm afraid to love. Because love crushed my heart into a million pieces. Giving my all meant losing all that I gave. And, it is hard. Every single day is hard. But, this life can't have me. This life cannot have any of us, if we don't let it. Instead we get to have life. And, I'm convinced that, as scary as this life can be - it is a gift. We just have to take it instead of letting it take us. We can do it. We can walk this life out together, knowing that God will be with us if we just ask Him to. Yes. It will be dark, at times. Yes. It will seem scary. Yes. We will face death. BUT, the light will not be overcome by darkness. And, just because we feel afraid doesn't mean we have to let fear reign. Death is NOT the final say for those whose Hope is anchored in Christ. Because, one day, death will be overcome, and this life that we know here will cease. 

I know what moving forward feels like for a grieving parent. It feels like we are leaving our child behind. I battle this every day, and I have to bring it before The Lord. My son would want me to live. I can sometimes sense him encouraging me to move forward. And, in my reality, which is more real than anything here on this earth, he awaits me. He isn't behind me, but ahead. I don't get to him by looking back, I see him when I press forward. 

So life goes on, no matter. Will we let it pass us by or count us out? Will we let it control us. Let it take us? Or, will WE take IT? Will we take all we can get out of this life; using it to our advantage? Letting even the hard roads lead us further towards Christ? Will we run this race with perseverance and allow God's strength to equip us with all we need to become more like His son? Fixing our eyes on what is unseen instead of the destruction surrounding us? 

'Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal.' (‭II Corinthians‬ ‭4‬:‭16-18‬ NKJV)

RESTORE

RESTORE.

2015.

'And I will restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eaten–the hopping locust, the stripping locust, and the crawling locust, My great army which I sent among you. And you shall eat in plenty and be satisfied and praise the name of the Lord, your God, Who has dealt wondrously with you. And My people shall never be put to shame.' (‭Joel‬ ‭2‬:‭25-26‬ AMP)

Restore my JOY. 

Return to me the joy of my salvation and renew a right spirit in me. Losing Christiano took so much from me - from all of us. And, joy is one of those things. It is something that I've missed terribly. I'm not talking about a temporal feeling of joy, but the joy that allowed Jesus to endure, and even embrace, the cross. This joy does not rest in things going our way or having a worry-free life. It isn't measured by perfect circumstances or perfect health; perfect marriages or earthly crowns. In fact, real joy escapes us when we give too much thought to these things. Joy is present when we keep our eyes on what lies ahead, just like Jesus did when he died for us. It has been hard for me to get my eyes off of the pain and the suffering that losing my son has brought. I want my joy back, and it's going to take some work on my part. It's going to mean taking my eyes off of my hurt and looking to the One who gives me rest; the only One who can restore.

Restore my HOPE.

I miss hoping. Hoping for good things to happen; hoping for the future; or even just for today. The Bible says that hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. My hope was deferred, shattered and shaken when Christiano didn't make it. Longings haven't been fulfilled for a very long time. However, my hope has not been fully lost. I never would have made it through without Jesus, my hope and anchor. But, my hope has been deferred by my circumstances. The enemy attempted to steal it, along with so many other promises I once stood so securely on. Hebrews 6:19 says, 'We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.' Thankfully, even when our thoughts and ideas of hope are shattered, our hope remains firm and secure. This means we can never drift too far away from hope. We are held by hope. And, in 2015, I would like for the restoration and reconstruction of my hope to be made complete.

Restore my IDENTITY.

This one is a biggie for me. God has worked this one out in me since the beginning of time. Wife, mother, friend... Just a few roles that I've found my identity in over the years. And, now, grieving mother has been added to the list. This is not a desirable group for anyone. In fact, NOBODY wants to ever be in this group. And, nobody in the group ever wants to welcome anyone else in. It's the loneliest place I've ever been, and I feel most inadequate and unaccepted, at times, because I'm a part of this group. It's a group where outsiders, who don't understand, get to look in and critique the members of this group. For me, it's a place with glass windows and full transparency. I've chosen to let everyone see inside and not put up any blinds. But, this transparency comes with a high price. And, that price has often been my very identity. 

You see, I haven't lived here for long and I knew nothing about it before being thrown in. I am inexperienced and inadequate and not too sure how to please everyone who is watching. I'm too 'OK' for some people, and I'm not 'OK' enough for others. I'm too Word of Faith for some and not 'Word of Faith' enough for others. I'm too much God and not enough emotion, or I'm too emotional without enough God. I'm too happy, I'm not happy enough. I'm too transparent for some, and others wish they could see more. I'm too social, or I'm not social enough. I cry too much, or I don't cry enough. I laugh too much, or I don't laugh enough. Some people think I share for attention or that I expect too much from others. Some wish I would just go away or snap out of it. Some people can't handle my pain because it's too painful for them. So many expectations, unfair assumptions, and harsh judgments; and they hurt. This kind of hurt on top of grief can make for unspeakable pain. I speak on behalf of all grieving mothers when I say that all we want is grace. But, that is usually not what we get. In the beginning, we get lots of it; but, over time, people either want us to move on faster, while some can't believe we are moving on so fast. That is why my biggest heart cry is for identity. I want for my identity to be found in God. I don't want to just be a grieving mother. I want to know that my sole identity, and the only identity that truly matters, is found in being a daughter of the king. For, in Him, I'm loved, accepted and understood. 

Although, the tragedy that forever altered my life came in 2013, truly LIVING with it came later. 2014 was all over the place. It was a year filled with more difficulty than I ever thought possible for one family to endure. I will spare you all the details, but I will say that we just barely made it through. We are ready to put it behind us now. (Although, I'm not even sure what that means, really.)

 I can never forget all the tragedy we've endured, all the losses experienced, the many disappointments over the last 14 months. But, I am choosing to believe for something again. I'm believing for brighter days ahead and strength to endure any dark ones that may creep in. I am believing for healing in our hearts and rest for our weary souls. I'm believing for God to RESTORE what's been lost like only He can. I'm believing for joy unspeakable, hope renewed and identity found only in Him. 2015, I'm ready.

How Can I Know That 2015 Will Be Wonderful?

On New Years Eve, in 2012, I literally declared on my facebook that it was going to be the BEST YEAR YET! And, I believed it with everything in me. But, that's the exact opposite of how I would describe the year of 2013. It turned out to be the very worst year of our lives, right along with most of 2014. 

So, why? If I declared it and believed it with it with all of my heart, why wasn't 2013 the best year of my life? Quite simply, I'm not exactly sure. Because, all I really know for sure is how much I don't know. Just saying that we don't know and realizing the truth behind the statement makes us all a little uneasy. Our minds long for answers, our hearts yearn for justice, and our souls pant for rest. Answers to all of the questions brought on by the terrible twists in this life, justice for all the tragedy we've endured, and rest from the pain and suffering that comes whether we like it or not. 

We all long for ease and some degree of comfort, but what we often get, instead, is chaos and challenges. Hurts happen to people all the time; disappointment is a regular occurrence; and suffering is so inevitable that God even promises that we will face it. Yet, somehow, we are still surprised when it comes. Why is that? Because, of course, we all want to believe the best. Who wouldn't rather think of sweet little sheep at night than fiery dragons? Who would want to think of the worst thing instead of the best thing? 

Yet, this past year, even with all my years of choosing to think of the good over the bad, the lovely over the yucky, and the pure over the unclean, I have had such a hard time believing for the good. And, it's effected me. I still have this yearning to believe that good things will happen instead of bad things; that justice will prevail over all. Because, even though I know that bad things do happen, I don't want to walk around expecting that they will. I still want to believe that the goodness and mercy of God will follow me all of my days, even though that's not what I can see when I look back to the day Christiano passed from earth to Heaven. But, I don't want the one circumstance that forever altered my life to forever rob me of the hope that Jesus has already provided for me; and at such a high price. 

We are blessed when we believe without seeing. I don't see anything close to the life I thought was laid out for me. I didn't see my life ever ending up this way. And, it makes me really confused and angry. But, somehow I still believe. I still believe that God has a beautiful plan in mind when He looks at me. I still believe that He loves me and that He will never stop. He has kept me, and He has held me. And, that is what gives me the confidence to step head into this next year. Because, no matter what happens, in feast and in famine, in sickness and in health, in lack and in wealth, in life and in death - He will be with me through it all. I've tasted and I've seen the love of God that can never ever fail. 

But, how can I know that 2015 will be wonderful? I can't. I don't. But, I do know that God goes with me! If I make my bed in hell, He will be there. He WON'T leave me. Ever. So, with that one promise in mind, Happy New Year, friends. Cheers - to a New Year that will be everything God has declared it to be. Redeemed by Christ, rich in His Love, made new by His mercy, and thriving by His grace. Those are my blessed assurances going forward in 2015. 

I'm Writing A Book!

Fifteen years ago, God impressed it on my heart to write a book. And, for fifteen years, I've been running from it. The night before Christiano passed away, just about seven hours before the phone call that forever altered our lives, my husband, Chris, brought me home an iPad. I opened it up and he had written a 'note' to me. It read, 'I got this for you so you can start your book. I believe in you.' I remember feeling ready in that moment; ready to obey what God has spoken to my heart so many years ago; ready to put the long hours of work in and discipline myself accordingly; ready to share the raw details of my life and to show the world God's beautiful redemption story.
But, at 6:41 am, on October 24th, everything changed. My story changed, my view of God became overshadowed by the darkness that flooded my being, my life - forever altered. 'Who would be able to see the goodness of God in my life now?' 'Why would anyone ever read my story?' That's what I've spent the last year asking.
Over the last ten years, my life had been completely transformed, from the ugliest of ash to the most beautiful picture of God's grace. But, I now felt it had been turned back; this time to the blackest and darkest soot I'd ever seen. And, I've spent many days doubting God's plan for me; associating the book with what followed a few short hours after my heart's declaration to do this thing.
Yet, somehow, fourteen months later, God is STILL being glorified. People STILL see beauty through the mess; sometimes, even I see beauty in my life.
All of this is to say...
Today is the day! Today, I begin the book that God will author through me. I've made a declaration to Him, and now I declare to all of you! Please, please, pray for me, and, PLEASE, hold me accountable! Let me know your thoughts, share your heart with me, ask me how it's going, and, most of all, be honest with me - as the Lord leads this project and finished what He started in me fifteen long years ago. ❤️

Lessons From My Sons

My fourteen year old son, Brian, was having a hard time and really missing his brother last night. We had gotten in pretty late from church, and it was way past his bedtime, but he asked if he could write something for Christiano. Like me, I think writing helps him to release his emotions.

Here is what he wrote...

People say that time heals. I say that only God can heal. When I look at the past year I don't know how I have gotten to the place I am now. It is still really hard to go to school and to church and put a smile on my face, even through the pain. I miss my brother, but I don't think that I would have been able to get through this rough time in my life without God. God has been here for me when nobody else has and sometimes it's hard to see that. A lot of people have heard that my brother died, but they have never heard about him. Christano was Funny, Smart, a Leader, a role model, and a brother.... But most of all he was a man I looked up to. When he wanted to do something, I would automatically do it because to me he was so awesome. When I heard he passed away a part of me left. I had so many questions, why MY BROTHER? How was I going to be the brother my siblings looked up to, and who is going to listen to my long boring stories and act like they are funny? God has shown me that Christiano is with Him and doesn't have to deal with the problems of the world... Even though I love and miss him, I am glad he is in the presence of God.

Yesterday was a difficult parenting day. One failed to communicate something important to me, another got in trouble in a class and was asked to step out into the hallway for some time. Over the last year, I've had to watch my children cry themselves to sleep, act out, be withdrawn, question God. One of my children can no longer hug with ease because it triggers the awful memories of the wake and funeral. Sometimes, I just feel so discouraged. Reading this reminded me that, just as God is with me, He is with them. So many times, I just want to fix this for them. But, there is no fix. The most important and effective thing I can do for my kids is trust God with them, but that can be a major challenge when you've lost one. None of us are unscathed by this tragedy. We are all broken inside. Yet, somehow, I still choose to stand on the promises of God for our lives. The ones that say He will be with us and never forsake us; that He is near to the broken hearted. 

I love the part that Brian wrote, 'A lot of people heard that my brother died, but not a lot of people know him.' My biggest fear is that people who know me won't know my son. It already feels like I talk about him less than I did a year ago. How will my grandchildren KNOW him? Is it truly possible for me to keep his legacy alive? This is just another concern that I have to bring before God. I have to let go and let Him do it - through me and through others.

 I also love how Brian has a sure knowing of who His help comes from. This journey of grief has taught all of us so much; lessons we just wouldn't have learned without this horrific tragedy. Some of what God has taught me feels like it may have been suggested by Christiano. Haha. Things like slowing down and saying no; things like being content and being present in each moment. I hate the reason we've learned what we have, and I loathe the what behind our changes. But, I'm grateful for the grace of God that teaches and changes us in the midst of this darkness. Christiano is surely smiling when he sees me laying in bed with Nate at night instead of rushing bed time, or all of us sitting on the couch talking about life and me doing more listening than talking. Christiano was the best listener. I'm convinced he left me his gift. He left us all with something; multiple something's, actually. There is a part of him in every one of us, and, for that, I am truly grateful. 

1 Psalm 121:1-2.
I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from?
2 My help comes from the Lord, t he Maker of heaven and earth.