Nine Months

Nine months it took to perfectly form you in my womb; to grow each organ and form every bone; to expand your lungs and strengthen your beating heart. Nine months to lengthen each finger and toe and to shape each vessel; to awaken your five senses and fill your brain with the necessary knowledge to survive outside of me. Nine months for me to feel like I'd known you my whole entire life; nine months to prepare to be your mother forever. Nine months for me to know a connection so deep, and nine months for me to anticipate meeting you face to face. Nine months to imagine all you would be and all you would do. Nine months to feel you grow inside of me and nine months for me try and grow up for you. Nine months for me to decorate your nursery and plan what you would wear home from the hospital. Nine months of a love that I'd never known. Nine months of talking to you and sharing my dreams with you. Nine months of feelings not known before - exuberant joy, giddy excitement, hopeful expectation were just a few. But, there were also times of worry, fear, and anxiousness. Nine months to be ready, prepared, confident. Nine months to know that one can never be ready. Nine months is all it took to bring your beautiful life forth to me. And, in one moment you were gone. It doesn't seem right. I doesn't feel fair. I wanted you with every ounce of my being from the moment I knew you were conceived. For nine months, I carried you. And, it's been nine months since I carried you for the last time. 

It's been nine months. Nine months of hell. Nine months of not talking to you or kissing you or hugging you. Nine months of shattered dreams that will never be and purposeful plans placed on a shelf. Nine months of pain and desperation; chaos and confusion. Nine months of anticipation;  when will I get to be with you again? Nine months of giving up and surrendering all and nine months of wrestling against my own flesh and blood. Nine months of an extra chair at the dinner table and a closet full of your clothes. Nine months of regret about things that were said, but even more painful are the things left unsaid. Nine months  looking at life through a new set of eyes and nine months to remember everything that you taught me. Nine months of reminiscing - replaying every good laugh, recollecting each kind word and cherishing every past hug. Nine months of falling on The Lord like I never have, and resting in His promise. Nine months of knowing that I don't know. Nine months of being changed into His image. It's been nine months, but this time I'm the one being carried; carried by the same God who has carried you then and is carrying you now. And, I'm being shaped, molded, changed and reformed to look more and more like Him.

 It's hard. I don't want to spend one more day without you, Christiano. I don't want to forget anything about you. There's so much of you still inside of me. Maybe that is why they say that having a child is like having your heart walk around outside your body. We are forever connected, and a part of my heart is forever missing as long as I'm here without you. I love you, my baby boy. Always and forever. 

A Day Of Freedom

Over the years, I have heard and seen the many breaking hearts of military mommas. If I overheard a mom talking about her son serving oversees, and how much she missed him, I would feel so sad for her. Or, if I'd see a Facebook post from a friend missing her military daughter, who wouldn't be coming home any time soon, I'd think of how hard that must be. The ones that really got me were the mothers who hadn't heard from their baby in quite some time, and they weren't sure if their child was even safe. Those posts would tug so hard at my heart. But, the ones I feel most for are the parents who have said goodbye to their children, only to never see them whole again; either by way of physical death, emotional death or, worst of them all, spiritual death. I pray for these moms and dads specifically on this Independence Day.

Independence Day represents so much for our country; freedom, liberty, justice and more. It is a day that we give thanks for living in the land of the free, but more importantly, the home of the brave. Without the brave men and women who risked their lives, even unto death, we would not have the luxuries that we do. 

A few weeks after Christiano passed away, I had lunch with a friend. I was explaining to her that through this tragedy my heart was so broken. But, not just for me, for other moms who had lost children, the grieving moms who nursed their sick child until death, moms who lost their child in an unexpected accident, and the military moms who lost their children fighting for my freedom. I could relate now to how it felt to send your son out into the world to be independent for the first time ever; to be free to make his own choices, even though you'd really just like for him to stay under your care forever. I could relate to waiting for a call from him and feeling so excited when the phone finally rang. But, worst of all, I know what it is like to never get that chance to say goodbye; to be robbed of that last hug or those final words. Sharing this with my friend was helpful. Especially, because I will never forget what she said to me. She said, 'Shannon, you can relate because you are a military mom. Your son is a soldier who fought in an army, too - the Lord's army. And, he has probably received all kinds of medals and honor.'

How that blessed me that day and continues to now. Because, as free as we may feel in America, we are never fully free until we receive this truth - that there is One who truly paid the price for our freedom, so that we never have to die. His name is Jesus, and He is the most brave. Even though He was innocent, He took on all of our pain, our sin, our death, so that we might LIVE forever to be with God for all eternity; to a place with no pain and no death - where we will see our loved ones again. And, that is my hope on this first Independence Day without my soldier. Life is not easy, and the pain we experience is real, but there will be a day with no more suffering and no more pain. My friends, it is there that we will see the best display of fireworks; and what a glorious day it will be. 

'And [Jesus] being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient unto death—even death on a cross! Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,to the glory of God the Father.' Philippians 2:8-11

A New Day

So, I have an announcement for you, my friends...

After living on this earth for thirty- something years, I have my first full time job, and I start next week! It's crazy, scary, exciting, overwhelming, timely, and 'right,' all at the same time. I've been looking for just a little while and just started to send my resume out nine days ago. It is all happening so fast! I had my first interview last week, and they offered a second interview that same day. Preparing for an interview was kind of scary. I have only had a couple formal interviews in my life, and they were years ago. Most of the jobs I've gotten in the past have just come to me, so going out and seeking one was a little out of this lady's comfort zone. I dropped my keys, (which made a really loud noise) put my previous work experience in the previous address column, ( I had to ask for a new fourth page) and dropped a bunch of change out of my wallet when I was placing my license back into it. This was all BEFORE my first interview. As I looked around at all the people waiting for their first interview, I felt very inadequate. I thought a few times, 'What am I even doing here?' 'They aren't going to hire me.' I had to fight off some pretty negative thoughts as I waited to be called. I just kept praying and asking God to make a way if this was Him and to calm my nerves and anxieties. 

When my name was finally called, the interview went extremely well, except one part. The interviewer let me know that there were only two day positions left and what they were really looking for were night employees. I explained to her that I needed to have days because I needed to be with my family at night. She understood, but was honest enough to tell me that there was a good chance I would have to work nights until at least January.

She then asked me to have a seat because I had been chosen for a second interview. As I waited for interview number two, I pondered all kinds of scenarios in my head. Could I do this? Could I make it work just until January? I would get home at 8pm, which would give me just about an hour with the kids. Through the scattered thoughts, I heard my name being called for part two. 

The second interview was a little more intense. The woman asked lots of questions that I hadn't prepared for, but I was grateful that God gave me answers to provide. I know it was His help because the interviewer kept saying, 'great answer.' Once the interview was over, she told me I would hear back from someone the following week. I left still wondering how I could make a night schedule work for our family.

We had church that night and as I was sharing with a friend about the interview and the job, I just said out loud what I needed to be saying all along. 'I'm not going to take it if they offer me nights.' Sometimes, talking things out leads you to your answer. I told my friend that I was just going to trust God - that if He wanted me there, He would make one of those two jobs available to me. Of course once I made that decision, my mind became a battlefield of thoughts, again. 'Why would they give one of those day position to ME?' 'I don't have previous experience in this particular field.' 'But, we need the money, so I should just take whatever they will give me.' I just kept doing my best to hand it all over to God. I know that, ultimately, I can cast my cares upon Him because He cares for me. It wasn't an easy task for me to just let it go, but I kept doing it each time I realized I was obsessing or dwelling on it.

Thankfully, I got a call the very next morning because waiting for Monday night would have been difficult. The call came from the Senior Recruiter in Human Resources. She congratulated me and told me they'd be glad to have me on their team. I was excited, but nerves came right away as she began to discuss wages and hours. The wages were decent, but the shift she  was offering me was not. In that moment I had to decide to either take the job and just make it work for now, or speak up. You know, just like the weddings 'speak now or forever hold your peace!' I decided to speak now. I told the woman that nights would not work for our family and that I really needed days. She said, 'Well, we really liked you and we really want you with us. We have two day positions, and I'd be happy to offer one to you.' I was so appreciative and beyond excited; for about twooooo seconds. She explained to me that working days would mean full-time and that it wasn't a typical M-F, gig. I would also have to work on Sundays, but I would have Wednesdays and Saturdays off, and I could reevaluate my schedule in January. Ultimately, what I felt was excitement that my prayer about days had been answered, but I knew I had to talk with my husband before agreeing to anything. I told her I had to give my husband a call and see if that would work for us. I explained to her that Sunday is a day of worship for us, but that we also go on Wednesdays. She was very understanding.

 I hung up with her and called Chris right away. He was one hundred percent on board with it. My next call was to my daughter. She was very excited and glad that I'd be home for them in the afternoon and evening. My last call was to a friend who is a good voice of reason. She said she thought it would work well for our family and that I had to keep in my mind that it was just a season.  I explained to her my hesitancies regarding missing Sunday service, and she reassured me that my relationship with God goes far beyond that; that I would still have Wednesdays and Chris would take the kids to church. She pointed out some other families that have made this type of schedule work. I was grateful for her wisdom. So, I called back, accepted the position, and the rest is HIStory!

I venture out next week towards a new and unknown journey. And, although its scary and different, I'm relying on the One who goes before me and knows the beginning from the end. He's not scared or surprised, and He's not limited by my fears or doubts, my inexperience or unsteadiness. And, even if I had all the skill, knowledge and peace in the world, I'd rather forfeit all of that for what HE has. It is through Him and by Him that I am strong and able to stand in the sinking sand of this life. I know that Christiano is up there, cheering me on. He's happy that I'm choosing life and and all it's creativity over the box I've been held captive to for so long. God is creative; in His love and in His service. His thoughts and acts toward us are rare, vast, and beautiful. 

'Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful! God, I’ll never comprehend them! I couldn’t even begin to count them— any more than I could count the sand of the sea. Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!'

Psalm 139:17-22

Trading Self For Help

Philippians 2:1-4

 Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

These words are potent, powerful and relevant to all of us who live in this world. This hustle and bustle world we live in is constantly spewing the message of self; self ambition, self discovery, and self help. 'You've got to make it happen!' 'You need to find yourself.' 'You can't help others unless you first help yourself!' The problem with all of those statements is that they ignore the need we have for a God who is bigger than self. The above statements all 'sound' so right. They make sense to our natural mind, and that's why they're such great catch phrases. But, lets look at each one individually.

1. 'You've got to make it happen.'
This makes me the person responsible for my own great destiny. This takes my eyes off of God and others and places them on self. Self interest, self ambition, self gain. There's so much that God wants to make happen in us, but we have our eyes on us instead of Him. If we put our eyes on Him, and we are obedient to His Word and leading, then will we be successful. Proverbs 3:5-6

2. 'You need to find yourself.'
Sounds okay, right? Except who we really need to find is God, and He will show us who we are. The desire to find ourselves comes from the feeling of emptiness or feeling unfulfilled. Without God, that's what we will always feel. But, in Him we find true peace, true joy, and true power to overcome our insecurities. Jeremiah 29:13-14

3. 'You can't help others until you first help yourself.'
This is probably the one that drives me the most crazy. First off, we all have something to offer others. The Bible made it very clear in the new command that we are to love one another. Jesus didn't say, 'You worry about you, first. Then once you have it all figured out - love on others.' We are to do the exact opposite and lay ourselves down for our friends and family. Believe it or not, as we give love to others, we receive it back even more. 

As we read in the beginning verse, it takes humility to regard others higher than ourselves. We tend to want to fuss about our own battles, problems, fears and insecurities and, sometimes, we stay in our own place of despair. But, there is no healing in that place. I know this to be true. We cannot wait for all the injustices of the world to leave before we give of ourselves. We might get hurt loving others; actually, we will definitely get hurt loving others. But, it will be worth it. Because as we give all we have, God is pouring in all the more; more of His grace, more of His love, and more of His mercy. And, we will do more than just survive off of it. We will thrive. Matthew 6:33

Today, let us take our eyes off of us and put them on others. Let's be attentive, loving, and interested in something other than self. If this seems hard, I understand. But, more so God understands. Just ask Him for help. Trade yourSELF for His HELP. Ask Him who He wants you to love on today and how. He's a creative God, so be open to all He has for you today. 

It Happens In A Blink

Life happens. And, it happens fast. Below are some lyrics to one of my favorite songs:

It happens in a blink, it happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time
What is it I've done with my life?

I've come face to face with these truths and asked myself this very question. What is it I've done with my life? And how many more tomorrows will I wait for? 

In just these last few weeks, we have gone to the beach more times than the entire summer of last year. We have had more ice cream and more bonfires; stayed up later and slept in many mornings. We have somehow become dream chasers instead of running from the dreams that chase us. We have hugged more and fought less and cried together instead of alone. Really, what we're doing is really living.Life is short. Of course, we can agree that Christiano's life was short - because it ended abruptly and much too soon. But, truly it is ALL life that is short; even the hundred year life. The Bible compares our life to a hands breath or a vapor.

'Look, you make my days short-lived, and my life span is nothing from your perspective. Surely all people, even those who seem secure, are nothing but vapor.' Psalm 39:5

Eight months ago, Christiano left us all behind. Eight months has felt like an eternity, and it has also felt a blink. Time has been both frozen and melting before us. It holds, yet somehow it slips away. We are so still at times; immovable, shattered, broken, all over the place in our stillness. Unable to go anywhere, but right where we are. Like the soles of our feet have been superglued to this place of grief. But, sometimes we are able to move and we are free. Free to feel and to run. Free to love and to live. Able to breathe in and breath out. Free to chase God and the dreams He has given us. I guess being stuck and being free at the same time is similar to that joy and suffering that are coexisting inside of us, as well. 

In eight months so much has happened. A new school, a new business location, a new nephew. Three major holidays, five of our birthdays - one of which was Christiano's, Mother's Day and Father's Day. Made some new friends, missing some old ones and learning which ones are true. We have established a Memorial Foundation in Christiano's memory, and I have learned some new things about life and about myself; been supported by many and shot down by a few. I am still learning to live without you, while loving harder than I ever have and holding fast to my faith in a time that I have more questions than answers. Daily, I am choosing to  draw closer to God, even when I want to run - especially when I want to run. And, I'm living out this life when quitting seems easier. 

Christiano, you've taught me so much; both in death and in life. Because of you, I'm choosing to live each day fully. I'm saying yes to beach days and no to waiting. I'm listening more and speaking less. You were so good at listening. I'm trading offense for love and impatience for peace. I'm living life on purpose and I'm more aware that tomorrow isn't promised. Sometimes, I resent learning through your death, and I'm mad at myself that I didn't always see these things clearly when you were here with me. But, then I think of what you would want for me. You wouldn't want me to stop living or give up on love. You'd want me in the Word and drawing closer to the One Who is holding you because He is holding me, too. I can only imagine all the life lessons you've learned already. But, it's so painful not to see you learn and grow. It crushes my very heart. And, it is in these moments I have to decide once again to make another trade. This morning, I'm trading a crushed spirit for a teachable spirit. Lord, teach me today. Teach me all the things that You're teaching my boy, and make us both more like You. 

'LORD, make me to know my end And what is the extent of my days; Let me know how transient I am. Behold, You have made my days as handbreadths, And my lifetime as nothing in Your sight; Surely every man at his best is a mere breath. Selah.' Psalm 39:4-5

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=IvuxFdM3S58

The Beautiful Struggle

The other day my husband shared something from his heart, and it's been heavy on mine ever since. He told me that, although he cannot wait to see Christiano in heaven, he is saddened that there will be some things that he will never get to experience with him again. For instance, their doubts, their struggles, their shortcomings, their fears, or their failures. That grieves the heart of my husband, and the more I think about it - it grieves mine, too. Let me explain. 

Heaven is a perfect place with perfect wholeness; a place where we will be in constant rest. No skinned knees to bandage up, no broken hearts to mend, and no fears to calm. Financial troubles will vanish, sickness and death will be no longer, and there will be no more orphans, widows or grieving mothers and fathers. It will be perfectly whole, having all we need. God will be there, and we get to be in His magnificent presence with our Jesus seated right next to Him. We will have 24/7 access to the God of wonders, the One who made everything, including us; and to Jesus - the One who took our death upon Himself so that we could experience this full and everlasting life. What a day it will be when we meet them both, face to face. Nothing else will matter. Pain will fall off of us and fullness of joy will be all we know. 

And, as much as we all yearn and long for a day with no more tears and no more pain, it's all we've ever really known. We live in a fallen world, surrounded by pain. Pain caused by others' free will choices, pain caused by accidents, and pain caused by other forms of darkness. We've learned to live this way by praising God through the pain, inviting joy even in sorrow, pushing through our own fear and doubt, and worshiping while we wait for things to change. We've learned to cry it out, talk it out, and walk it out - before The Lord and before men. We've adapted to this life because it is all we've lived. And, although we look forward to a better life, we choose to embrace this one by giving it all we've got. 

We run hard, with perseverance, towards heaven, and we don't quit. We rejoice when we see the hand of God and we get so excited when a fellow running mate triumphs in victory! We run hard, but we lag just enough to make sure our brother doesn't quit, and we are there to pick him up when he does. But, sometimes we struggle. We struggle with the path sometimes because it gets hard and we want to quit. But, we keep going. We struggle with the path because it gets dark and uncertain. But, we keep going. We struggle with the path because it's painful. But, we keep going. We struggle with the path when our loved ones finish before us. But, we keep going. We struggle with the path because our best friend quits. But, we keep going. We struggle with the path because we don't understand it. But, we keep going. We struggle with the path most of the time. But, sometimes the path is beautiful. It's clear and precise. It's smooth and perfectly laid out. And, in the end - it's worth it. The path is a struggle, but it's a struggle that's worth it. And, there's beauty in that. There is beauty in the struggle of life.

Any honest married couple will share that their relationship has endured some hard things; that there hasn't always been certainty or clarity. That they've had to press in hard to fight the good fight. And sometimes, the really good fights are the ones that shift us to a higher level. Any mother or father can relate to not wanting to hand their child everything, but making them work towards some things. Because making them work produces character, integrity, and perseverance. 

Struggle is not only inevitable; it's necessary. So struggle with the ones you love today. Struggle hard, and love hard. Because one day the struggle will be no longer, and we will be made perfect. But, until that day, I urge you to embrace this beautiful struggle called life. Life is beautiful, and it's a gift from God. Receive it, open it, participate in it, play with it, wrestle with it, and embrace it. 

Instead of wishing our struggles away, or rushing through the seasons of this life, we can ask God to lead and guide us through them. He will never leave us or forsake us as we journey through this beautiful struggle called life. 

'My dear child, don’t shrug off God’s discipline, but don’t be crushed by it either. It’s the child he loves that he disciplines; the child he embraces, he also corrects. God is educating you; that’s why you must never drop out. He’s treating you as dear children. This trouble you’re in isn’t punishment; it’s training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God’s training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God’s holy best. At the time, discipline isn’t much fun. It always feels like it’s going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it’s the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God. So don’t sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!' Hebrews 11b-13

A Greater Plan

'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares The Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.'

This is the scripture I have written in almost every single one of my children's cards for as long as I can remember, knowing it to be true and believing every word of it with all of my heart. But, I haven't been able to write those words for any of the occasions since the awful day that our son left this earth. Not only can't I write them, but at times, even hearing them can be a struggle. I saw so much for Christiano, and I told him often. Often I would say things like ' you are going to do great things,' or 'you are a world changer.' And, I fully believed it. It wasn't just lip service, but vivid pictures in my mind of my boy changing the world.


Tomorrow will be one year since my son walked across Pierce Memorial Field to receive his High School Diploma. We were so proud of him. Chris and I both dropped out of high school, and so did all four of our parents. Christiano had beaten odds, broken cycles and annihilated statistics. We always knew that he would go far in life; that he was special and way above average. His eyes bluer than blue, his height taller than tall, his intelligence higher than high, his sense of humor funnier than funny, and his heart bigger than big. He truly was larger than life, and not just because he was 6' 9". 

One of the last phone calls that we shared lasted about an hour and a half. It was an emotional conversation that touched on so many different subjects. Christiano was struggling with the meaning of life. We talked about suffering and why there was so much pain in this world. Christiano didn't understand why people had to suffer and wondered why God wouldn't just intervene and cause everyone to do good to one another. This led to talk about our free will and evil in the world. He didn't like for bad things to happen to anyone, but especially 'good' people. I wish I had more answers for him that day. All I've ever done is point my children to God, and this time wasn't any different. I encouraged him to ask God to show himself to him and to give him understanding. He wanted so badly to understand the things of God. I told him that day on the phone that God was going to reveal Himself and it was going to be soon; that his intellectual mind was a gift and he would do great things with it; that I saw him helping many people and leading other to the knowledge of God. And, I believed all of it with all of my heart. 

And, I still do. 

Later that night, after thinking about our conversation all day long, I sent him a text with these verses in it. 


Good friend, take to heart what I’m telling you;
    collect my counsels and guard them with your life.
Tune your ears to the world of Wisdom;
    set your heart on a life of Understanding.
That’s right—if you make Insight your priority,
    and won’t take no for an answer,
Searching for it like a prospector panning for gold,
    like an adventurer on a treasure hunt,
Believe me, before you know it Fear-of-God will be yours;
    you’ll have come upon the Knowledge of God. Proverbs 2:1-5

He responded, 'Wow. This applies to me so much.' 

I do believe that Christiano has found the answers he had been in search of, and, although I struggle with the outcome, God's promise of his future and hope have been fulfilled.But, boy did I see it differently. I saw him living a long life here on this earth and sharing all of his findings with me. I guess I saw what every mother sees for her child, and it is so hard for me to give that up. But, as I type this, and I am reminded by the words written in my heart, I know that I don't have to. God has faithfully brought back to my remembrance these words out of His Holy Book...

'That is why we never give up. Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are small and won’t last very long. Yet they produce for us a glory that vastly outweighs them and will last forever! So we don’t look at the troubles we can see now; rather, we fix our gaze on things that cannot be seen. For the things we see now will soon be gone, but the things we cannot see will last forever.' 

2 Corinthians 4:17-18

And, I am renewed once again by the God who understands what it is like to lose a son. Even Jesus wished for another plan, but thankfully God didn't change His mind. Because, He knew that his plan was far greater. And, as much as I liked the look of my plan for Christiano better, God knew of a plan that would last forever; a plan bigger than us and larger than this life; a plan far beyond anything we can see; a plan that has a hope and a future far greater than any plan man can see.