And Now We Know His ABC's...

This is a project Christiano had to do for Tenth Grade English Class.  It is called an Alphabetical Biography. My husband found it and gave it to me for my birthday. It offered me a closer glimpse of how Christiano saw himself, and I thought you would like to get to know him a little better, also. Enjoy!

 A - Actor

Acting is a hobby that has been going on since...I would imagine the beginning of time. It is a time when you can forget about everything in the outside world and just focus on your character. The reason I love to act is because it makes me feel as though I am entertaining people, but not as Chris Barbosa, as someone totally unfamiliar to me. I enjoy acting, and I hope I can do it for a long time. 

B - Bed

I love to sleep. But, who doesn't? Sleep is something I like to do that replenishes me and makes me feel...well, awake. I would stay in bed all day if I could. 

C - Christian

Now don't look at this word and say that I am religious. I am not. Now, I could write a whole essay on this, but I am restricted to only five sentences. All I can say is that by saying that I am a Christian is not to say that I am religious, but to say that I have a relationship with my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

D - Daring

Now you could say that I'm daring. But, it may depend on your definition of what daring is. No, I will not jump off of a twenty story building for your entertainment. On the other hand, yeah, I'll ride on a roller coaster. Why, what's the worst that can happen? 

E - Exuberant 

I put this because it means to be full of joy. This is what I am for every day. I try to be as happy and as joyful as I can because I want my happiness to rub off on everyone around me. 

F - Funny 

I have been told that I'm pretty funny. Now I am not saying this to brag or to 'toot my own horn," as some may say. I am just simply stating what others have said about me. I love to make people laugh and I guess I do an okay job. 

G - Growth 

This word means a lot to me. People would probably think this refers to my height. This is obviously the most obvious outlook on things. Well that is only half of what this word means to me. The other half is that I always try to grow, or progress, in everything that I do, so that I can always get better at what I do.

H - Happy

What can I say about this? I mean...I'm happy. At least I try my best to be. 

I - Irish

This is my nationality. Well, not my only nationality, but my strongest. I am also Cape Verdean as well as a lot of other things. I was the result of a United Nations after party gone wrong. 

J - Joyful

Now, this is not the same thing as happiness. Happiness is defined as temporary while joy is permanent. Joyfulness is a heart attitude. I am a joyful person. 

K - Kind

Kindness is sometimes a hard thing to follow through on. I'm not claiming that I'm always kind to everyone at all times but it is something that I try to make a conscious effort to do. You want people to be kind to you? You need to be kind to other people. 

L - Love

What is love? Some people have trouble answering this question. I have no trouble. Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous, it does not brag, and it is not proud. Love is not rude, it is not selfish, and it does not get upset with others. Love does not count up wrongs that have been done. Love takes no pleasure in evil, but rejoices over the truth. Love patiently accepts all things. It always trusts, always hopes, and always endures. I try I to love at all times. 

M - Malevolent 

No I am not really evil. I just like the word. That's really all I have to say about this one. 

N - Nintendo<3

Okay...I love Nintendo. I love the games. I love the music. I love everything. When I see the logo, I get excited. I sound like such a loser, but I don't care. I love it. 

O - Obelisk

An obelisk is a talk pillar like structure. Look at me. Do I not resemble an obelisk?

P - Playful 

There is a time for work and a time for play. Well, when is the time for work and when is the time for play? I say that it is always time for play. And even when it is time for work, you can still have fun doing it. 

Q - Quick Thinking

Some people are quick on their feet. They can think of something and just do it in .000001 second flat. See, I just think fast but I'm not too light on my feet do it's hard for me do anything fast. But, seriously my quick thinking skills help me in a lot of things. One major thing that it helps me with is my improv acting for drama. 

R - Relaxed

I try to stay as relaxed as possible. My philosophy on life is not to stress over things and just to take them as they come. Stressing out over something is only going to lower your performance. You have to be easy-going and just go with the flow. This is what I do and it helps me to enjoy life everyday. 

S - Sportcenter

Out of all these words, this one is by far the one that I have invested the most time in. I wake up and watch Sportcenter. I get home from school, Sportcenter. I go to bed, Sportcenter. I love sports and with this amazing program I can follow them all day. 

T - Talkative

Ms. Pasquarelli, I'm sure I don't have to tell you this one. I love to talk. It is one of my favorite things. No matter how hard I try, it is very hard for me to keep my mouth shut.

U - Unique

Everyone is unique. No one is created exactly the same as someone else. I try to always be my own person and not who everyone else is.

V - Veracious

Veracious means to be truthful or honest. The truth will set you free. Honesty is the best policy. There are so many things that revolve around the word truth, but the key word is integrity. You are only worth what your word is worth. 

W - Witty

This goes a little bit with quick thinking. I usually am able to think of a smart reply very quickly. Maybe I should cut down on this though. After all, it does get me into a little bit of trouble.  

X - X-iting

This was just a desperate attempt at the letter X. I couldn't really come up with anything good so I used this. I think the fact that I used this instead of some boring old word like xylophone or X-ray, makes me pretty exciting. 

Y - Young

I am 15 years old. This may seem old to some people (well to six year olds...). I realize that I have a lot more time ahead of me. In this time I will try to make the most out of everyday. 

Z - Zany

To be zany is to be comical in an extravagantly ludicrous manner. Although, this type of comedy is not my forte, I could pull it off if needed. Besides, this fits me better than all the other adjectives that start with Z. 

Where Do I Fit?

One of the things that have been hard for me over the past few months is meeting new people. Adding a meet and greet to grief is like adding ammonia to bleach; it doesn't mix and it can cause some bad reactions. I just don't have any desire, at this point, to answer questions about my family, especially the  dreaded, most common one; 'How many children do you have?' Of course, I know that I will always have four, so that seems easy enough, right? Not exactly. The question hardly ever stops there. It is usually accompanied by, 'What are their ages?' And, see, this is where it can get tricky. 'Well, you see, my son was one age when he passed away, but he would've been another age  now...' It's hard to say that. I did  hear one grieving mom say that sometimes she says four and other times five, depending on her mood or what she feels like sharing on that particular day. But, that won't work for me. I could never say three. Never, ever. 

Friends who know of your situation will most likely try and be more careful. For the most part, they are purposeful with their dialogue. Although it is somewhat unreal how many times people use death in a joking context. Like the dramatic friend who says, 'I almost died,' or the joking wife who says 'I just wanted to kill my husband,' or, the one that hits closest to home, the  exhausted mother who has had some rough nights and proclaims, 'Well, everyone survived the day. I didn't kill any kids.' I know these are all meant in good fun, but boy can they hurt. What I would give to have Christiano causing some ruckus around here again. 

But still, it is meeting new people that is the biggest challenge. Meeting new people forces me to tread on unknown territory. It feels very unsafe, like walking the tight rope with no experience. (And, believe me, I  have lousy balance.) I just never know what's going to come out of their mouths. For example, I was at an engagement recently, and there was a couple I had never met before at our table. They were nice, nice people. But, somehow the topic of pets came up, and my husband and I began to share our pet stories, also known as our pet disasters. We shared about the unexpected death of our cats, our hamster, our fish, and our lizards. Everyone was laughing, and I thought, 'This is great. No kid talk.' Well, that was until the gentlemen came out with this doozie, 'Oh, boy! You haven't killed any kids yet, have you?' I reacted way too quickly and said, 'Why, yes. Yes, I've done that, too.' They just laughed nervously; I think they thought I was joking. I wish it was a joke. I felt bad immediately after because it was an awful reply, and they were very nice people who meant nothing by what they said. But, again, when treading in unknown territory anything can happen. I'm walking in a place unfamiliar to me and so are the people around us. The grace of God is there to carry us, but it is still difficult; for me, especially. Partly because I don't want to run into comments like that, partly because sometimes I'm not up for sharing Christiano in an up close and personal way with others just yet, and partly because I feel like an outcast in each new place I go. And, sometimes, I even feel like an outcast among my closest friends. 

This is a new feeling for me, altogether. I've never cared about fitting in, but by Gods grace, I  have never had trouble making friends. I have always been the 'friends with everyone' type; not tied down to a particular group or type. If you were a person, (and if you're reading this, I'm assuming you are) I was gonna love on you, and that was that. I am just a lover of people - newborns, infants, children, tweens, teens, young adults, grown-ups - just people of any age. To go from being extremely in love with people to a sort of protective isolation has been traumatizing for me, in and of itself. There are many times I don't feel like I fit anywhere anymore, and that's so different for me. I'm not saying I was ever the most popular person - popularity doesn't even appeal to me - but I could fit anywhere before. If friends of mine felt like they couldn't fit I always just told them to put themselves out there. So cliche, right.  But, now I see that it's not always that easy. I've learned a lot in that way. So many preachers say things like, 'If you want to be happy, just BE happy.' I wish it were that simple. 

The positive side of not fitting in with people is that I'm finding myself in Christ. Just as I've had to find who God is during this time of grief, I've also had to allow Him to find me. No more hiding behind a fake smile, or phoning a friend before going to Him.  And, He has been there to define both, Himself and me. My prayer is that I can learn to fit again, but by his shaping and molding, not my own and not anyone else's. 

Picture a fisher-price shape sorter. It's a cube with all different shapes cut out of it; squares, circles, ovals, triangles and stars. The toddlers job is to fit the blocks into the right spots. So many times, I've seen a little two year old, trying to fit a square block inside the circle cut out. But, it just doesn't fit. And, so often, that is us. Trying to conform to the pattern or shape that wasn't made for us. Trying to walk like someone else, trying to act, talk or be like someone that God never called for us to be. As I write this now, I wish I wasn't a grieving mother, that losing a child wasn't part of my identity. But, it is. What is that thing you wish you weren't? Or, maybe it's something you wish you were. The best people we can be is exactly who God made us; to let Him be our shape sorter; to let Him make us fit. 

Little Big

Lately the little things have been getting to me. Little reminders, little triggers, little memories. I wonder if I miss the little things most of all. The way he said my name, or put his hand on my shoulder when I was stressed; the way he laughed with food in his mouth - his chin bobbing and head rolling, almost as if he had to catch the food that might potentially leave his mouth; the way he forgot EVERYTHING - keys, cell phone, jacket, books; the way he'd nap on the couch through all the noise we would make; the way he would say just the right thing to encourage me when I was down. The little things.

One of the lessons I've learned on this journey is that sometimes the little things matter the most. When a friend sends a card on that really tough day or sends a text that says 'thinking about you.' When your husband brings home chocolate or the kids give an unexpected hug. When the youth director at church spends time with your boys or a friend reaches out to your daughter. When you've just run out of milk and somebody calls and says, 'what do you need at the grocery store?' When a sister in Christ says, 'let me pray for you.' When a close friend needs a shopping day just as bad as you do and you're able to forget that you're sad for a short time. When a picture or a post on Facebook is posted in memory of your son who you miss terribly. When you're talking and laughing with a friend and within seconds you're both in tears. When you're thought about, prayed for, loved on - it's not little. It's big. 

And, most of the time, that's just it - the little things ARE the big things. 

Just today, I got numerous text messages from friends that were just thinking about me. I got a call from my husband on his lunch break, and we were able to talk about Christiano and pray together. Just an hour ago, I received a letter in the mail from the school that two of my children attend. They wanted to let me know that they prayed specifically for our children and our family.  The letter was heartfelt, and it was signed by each staff member. I cried reading it. We are so loved, and we are so very thankful for the little things that people like you allow God to use you for. Chances are if you're reading this - you are one of them. I can almost envision Christiano and God just chatting it up about how blessed they are watching it all happen. We are Christiano's family, but we are all God's children, and he delights in us loving one another. Thank you for allowing God to use you in the little things that bless us in such a BIG way. 

* It is so funny. After I wrote this blog, I realized that Christiano's Youth Director, who he loved very much, called him 'Little Big,' because, although he is named after my husband and should be 'little Chris,' he was much, much bigger. I never realized until now how that went with his personality. Christiano always did little things to show his love and the little things meant so much to him. A box of Frosted Flakes, a card, a kind word, a ride to work, dinner on the table, a listening ear... All of those little things were so big to my boy. 💙

Through The Valley

This morning, I remembered an old elementary song we used to sing in gym class. It was called 'Going on a Bear Hunt,' and it went like this:

We're going on a bear hunt.

We're on our way.

We're going to find a lost one.

We'll find him today.

Uh-oh, grass!

Long, wavy grass.

Can't go over it.

Can't go under it.

We've got to go through it.

Swish-Swish

Swish-Swish

Swish-Swish

Swish-Swish

We're going on a bear hunt.

We're on our way.

We're going to find a lost one.

We'll find him today.

Uh-oh, a river!

A deep, cold river.

Can't go over it.

Can't go under it.

We've got to go through it.

Oh, how the grieving look for a way to escape the flames and the hurt, to avoid the agony of loss; a pass through without any pain; a shortcut, or a way around it. Jesus asked for there to be another way; for a pass.  But, there was no other way and the cup could not be passed. There was only one way, and He was it.  Similarly, there is only one way for the griever, and it is through. There are no shortcuts provided, no magic doors to pass through. Grieving is a harsh road and it comes with an abundance of uncertainty. There are sure to be dead ends, one ways, and broken roads. It is dark and it gets lonely, for many are afraid to walk through the valley of the shadow of death. However, there may be a few who are brave enough to walk alongside. 

In this moment, I think about Jesus' traveling partners through death valley. Of course, He had his mother, Mary. She had to walk the road of despair, as she watched her son be beaten and crucified. And then there were John and Mary. Unlike Jesus' mother, John and Mary had a choice: walk alongside Jesus and His mother, or walk away. And, they chose to be right there by her side the entire time; to be right there at Jesus' feet, while other disciples and friends scattered. When Jesus felt alone and forsaken by God, he had those three to turn to. This ministers to me now more than ever, and it makes me ask myself where I would have been. Would I have been an onlooker? Or, would I have been at the feet of my Savior? 

Death is uncomfortable and unpredictable. There will be many detours and obstacles to face on this journey, but I do take some comfort in knowing that God has gone before me, just as He had for Jesus.

"The LORD Himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." Deuteronomy 31:8

These words bring me relief. Of course, it doesn't make the action of walking it out any easier, but it does provide a peace that I can't access anywhere else. To know that God is walking ahead of me, enables me to go down this winding road that appeals to no one. It's a harsh reality, but it's my reality. And, if I want to come out of this, I have to go through it. 'I can't go over it, can't go under it, I've got to go through it.' 

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."  Psalm 23:4 

Secondary Losses

Drove by his high school today. It wasn't the first time. Not even close. I pass by it at lease once a week, but today was different - today it hit me hard. A memory came flooding back to me, and it was completely unexpected. It brought me back to his senior year. It was a cold day in December, and I received a text from a friend letting me know that East Providence High School has been placed on lock down because of a gun scare. I was at work when I received the text, and immediately asked my co-workers to pray. I tried calling Christiano, but couldn't get through. I tried texting, but there was no response. I even tried the school, but to no avail. 

After about twenty minutes of waiting for a response, I decided to go to the school and see what was going on. When I pulled up the whole outside of the building was swarming with police, reporters and parents. I asked around and parents confirmed that they has heard the same thing. The police allowed parents to go to the front of the building and wait in line to get to the main office, where we could dismiss our children. No one was sure of the whole story, but a couple of the moms that were in line had heard from their kids. They seemed to be shaken up, but unharmed. I waited for about an hour to get my son, but it felt like an eternity. I gave him the biggest hug then asked what had happened. He wasn't even sure, himself. He was in class in another part of the high school when a voice came over the loudspeaker telling them to remain in their classrooms and not to leave. He said he really wasn't nervous until they had the students lay down on the floor. But, even then he wasn't too scared to fall asleep while waiting it out. Typical Christiano. 

Being brought back to that day made me so sad because I won't ever get to have that role in his life again. I want to be his rescuer, his comforter, his protecter, his aide; I want to be his mother. Will I get to be in Heaven? Will I ever get to do those motherly things for him again? So much of who we are as mothers comes out in the care taking of our children. We thrive on loving and nurturing our children - even when they are grown ups. As hard as it is to let go of Christiano; it's almost equally hard to let go of my role in his life. I know God is way better at all of it than I am, but I want to be the one. 

I've been learning a lot about the secondary losses we experience after the loss of a loved one, and I have suffered many. The loss of his future, the loss of the family comedian, the loss of a bond so precious, the loss of our future family plans, and for his - his wife, his children, his first home. The loss of security in the God I've known all these years, the loss of faith that once seemed so strong, the loss of future plans, and much much more. 

Some of those losses are reversible and can be regained. But,  the one I cannot ever get back in this life, and perhaps the most difficult, is the loss of me. So much of me was established through mothering Christiano. And, I'll never get to be her again. How I long for my son, and how I long to be his mommy. 'You'll always be his mother,' you say. In title, yes - I suppose that is true. But, I've really been into titles. Never again will I get be his mother in deed. And, that's a loss I can hardly bear. 

To Walk Where My Son Has Walked

I grasp at anything; anything that will connect me with my boy - even if only for a moment. To walk where he walked, to touch where he touched, to see what he saw, to feel what he felt. Yesterday, I was privileged to do all of those things. We went ice skating with Christiano's friends, at the Bank Of America City Center Rink. A friend of ours put the event together in honor of Christiano. There were at least forty-two people that came out. I was blessed and a little blown away. It was special just to be there, since that was the first and only rink that Christiano ever skated on. Thankfully, we have his first time captured on video. His experience was pretty messy. He held lots of hands and had quite a few falls, and I got to watch my daughter have almost the same experience. She held lots of hands, but there were no falls for her. My two little guys, on the other hand, had plenty. It was so wonderful to stand with our loved ones where Christiano once stood.

As I looked around and saw all the laughter and fun going on, I was reminded of the great life Christiano lived. I will probably never understand why it was cut so short, but in those short eighteen years - Christiano lived. He lived, and he also loved. 

Lately, that is all I want to do; I want to live fully and love wholly. I've always loved people, but now I can't seem to get enough of them. I have had to put myself out there and talk with a lot of people; some that I have never met before or still barely know. And, it is all to talk about this boy that I so intimately love. It is a love that is sacred to me, so, at times,  I am tempted to keep it all for myself and fasten a 'No Trespassing' sign to my heart. But, again - I love people and I thoroughly enjoy getting to know my son through other sets of eyes. I'm drawn to anyone who knows him, but  especially those who love him; who spent time with him and invested in him. I enjoy talking to his friends mostly; the ones who hung out with him. They always have something awesome to say, and I get to catch a glimpse of their relationship with Christiano.  It is as if I'm gaining a new piece of some puzzle or the missing page in the story has been found. Fortunately, there were many friends from all different places that came out yesterday. Some were family, some were friends from church, some came from our neighborhood, some he went to high school with, and some were his roommates at college. For me, just another reminder of how many lives Christiano touched. Everyone had a great time, for it was a beautiful day in every way. Lots of laughter, shouts of joy, and conversations overheard; and even more funny sights to see. Towards the end of our time, I asked (or flagged down, maybe) a stranger to take our picture, and we got a beautiful group photo of the event. I'm so grateful for that. When you are photographing a group that large, there are no guarantees that a stranger is going to put all that much effort into taking it, but she did great! She snapped many photos, and all were decent. As I looked through them right then and there, I got all choked up. I'm still in awe that these young people care so much - about Christiano and about us.

After the photo, some people started getting ready to head out. I took that opportunity to talk with some of Christiano's college roommates. I had only seen them briefly throughout the services. Although, we did our best to converse, we didn't get to talk with them as much as I would have liked. Ed, the young man who shared a room with Christiano in their eight person suite, has kept in touch with me via Facebook. He's a great kid, and he misses Christiano a lot. They are all such wonderful boys, and since it could not be us, I'm glad that they are the ones that Christiano spent his last two months of his life with. Steven, another of the suite mates, shared some common interests of he and Christiano. They met at orientation and purposely selected each other to be roomies. They both swam, both have a younger brother, and are both extremely tall. Steven shared with me about the time Christiano had joined him and a couple of roommates to go see 'Gravity' at the IMAX in Providence Place. He explained to me what an incredible movie it was, and for a second it brought me back to when Christiano shared his same thoughts on the film.  But, it was what he said after that melted my heart. He told me that when they were leaving the theater, Christiano said, 'Hey, we should stop by my house. My mom will probably bake us cookies.' That touched me in an immense way. My son knew where he stood with me. He knew that I loved him and that I would drop everything and bake him and his friends some cookies. He knew ME. 

Every time a little something like this happens, the connection that he and I share is reestablished in my heart. It wipes away the fear of forgetting and the pain of regret. It is as if they are all key witnesses who have been sent to offer insight. They provide testimony of certain aspects of Christiano's life that I never would have known, had they not come forward. I will keep expecting these encouraging confirmations to come to me, and I will continue to seize every opportunity to walk where he walked, to see what he saw, to touch what he touched, and to know what he knew. And he knew; he knew his momma loved him enough to preheat the oven on at midnight, to get the mixer out, to measure out ingredients - and to welcome him with open arms anytime and every time. And, on that sweet day, when we are reunited he will be the one to welcome me. He will be the one who has touched, tasted and seen God in all of His divine glory, and once again, I will be walking where he walked before me. But, until that day, he surrounds me and roots for me with all of the other great witnesses that have gone home before us. 

 Hebrews 12:1, says:

'Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us...' 

Thank you to all of those who came out yesterday! We love and appreciate you., all. 

Who Is Controlling Your Perspective?

God has been challenging me to keep my perspective open; to keep my mind, ears and eyes open to the things that He has for me. Having all of my senses open and ready for what God has to say about things is vital for my healing, restoration and growth. Allowing God to control our perspective helps all of us, really. It can help us from getting into an 'I've arrived' rut or from thinking we know it all. Thinking we have all the answers or that we have it all figured out can be a dangerous place, and, sadly, too many of us reside there. I admit - I've visited from time to time; lots of us do, but some never leave. This may be why we rarely hear 'I'm not sure about this,' or 'I may have been wrong about that,' or 'I've gained new perspective on this issue, so let me go back on what I said before.' Instead, we sometimes let our human revelation continue to be our guide.

We can all admit that there are certain things we think we have figured out; that we could have found the key to unlocking the unsolved mystery. And, some of us very well may have. But, sometimes our own truths become the principles by which we live our lives. Give and we will receive, Love is all we need, our faith makes us whole, etc. All truths out of the Word of God, right? So, what happens when they don't work the way we think they should? Like, when we give and never receive enough? Or, we love with our whole hearts, only to be mistreated or neglected by the person we are loving. What about when our faith doesn't produce the results we were hoping for? Do we then try to make sense of it? Do we try and bring God down to a level we can understand? Or, worse, do we walk away from God because it didn't go our way? 

I've heard some preachers say that if you're doing all the things you should be doing, but you're not getting the results - something is off in your heart - that you don't have the right kind of faith. I've heard others say it must be the enemy; after all, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. Some say, we live in a fallen world, one that God doesn't have control over, and bad things just happen. Those can all make sense to the natural senses, and they can sometimes make us feel better. Getting an answer to our question always feels better. In the end, when we suffer, our mind boils it down to these possibilities: either we failed and missed it, the enemy invaded our lives and he's after us, or accidents just occur and sometimes bad things happen to good people. 

But, what if we are wrong? What if all of those are just human ideas we have come up with to feel better. What if the 'why' hasn't even been revealed to us yet, and we are looking to our natural senses to provide our perspective? What if we don't know all that we think we know about suffering? Would we be willing to acknowledge this? That maybe, the answers to certain questions can only be understood by our spirit man; that we have limited ourselves to our own physical means and capabilities?

When bad things happen to those of us who know our covenant with this, wonderful and amazing, God, it hurts. I am hurt. The pain that comes with the loss of a child reaches beyond anything I could express in the natural, so I can't use my physical means to communicate it. God is the only one who can know my suffering because it reaches deep down into the unidentified places within me - the ones that I never knew existed. The pain is all over me - physically, mentally, emotionally,  and spiritually. But, by far, the most real and excruciating pain has taken place in the spiritual. Partly because I feel forsaken, partly because I don't understand, but mostly because I felt that my covenant God didn't honor my plea to keep my son alive. The good and loving God I've always known has allowed me to experience a trauma that is indescribable. And, the pain will never go away until I meet Him face to face. I never knew this kind of hurt before Christiano left us, and many still don't. I had experienced pain and suffering before coming to know God, but never like this, and never after coming to know Him. This is the part of life that everyone wants to avoid and disregard because it reveals a side of God that many of us are uncomfortable with. It's easier for us to pretend that suffering doesn't exist and that God is not Sovereign. For some reason, when we come to Christ,  we create a false security for ourselves. We confuse the eternal security with a worldly security. We believe that when we enter a covenant with God, we are exempt to anything bad ever happening to us in this life. But, this is not our home nor our final destination. 

Do we think we are above the great men and woman in The Holy Bible; the ones who lost children, and spouses and siblings? What about the men and woman who have lost their very lives for the sake of the gospel? What about Jesus Christ himself? The One who was beaten and battered beyond comprehension for YOU and for ME? Not so our life on earth would be perfect, but to give us hope in an imperfect world - hope for eternal life with our Father. There was much purpose in Christ's suffering, so how can we believe there isn't purpose in ours? We can't. 

There is a song that some of you might know. It is called 'He Is With Us,' by Love & The Outcome, and some of the lyrics go like this...

'We believe there is purpose, there is meaning in everything

We surrender to His leading

He wants nothing more than to have us close

We can trust our God

He knows what He's doing

Though it might hurt now

We won't be ruined

It might seem there's an ocean in between

But He's holding on to you and me

And He's never gonna leave, no...'

Paul talked about suffering and told us we would have tribulations, and so did Jesus Christ. He said,

'These things I have spoken to you, so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.' 

Tribulation means:

great affliction, trial, or distress; suffering or,

 an experience that tests one's endurance, patience, or faith. 

We all experience tribulation at some time in our lives - through loss, through sickness, through betrayal, and through the things that world throws at us. And, sometimes we are tempted to say, 'My God, where are You in this? Why have you left me?' 

We wonder why God doesn't intervene and stop the horrible things that happen in our lives. We wonder why He doesn't step in and cause us to overcome. This is when we have to remind ourselves that He has, and He does; that He overcame, and He overcomes. He has provided a way out, and He did it through His son. In the end, those of us who have decided to follow Him win, too, and we will be with our God forever. 

I'm seeing this world more temporary and fleeting than I ever have. My perspective of God and His Word has shifted realms. This natural world has nothing for me. I have more questions than I've ever had, but somehow my perspective has never been so clear. God is with me, and I am with Him. I have purposed myself to know Him more each and every day. He causes me to triumph through this life, and even though I'm hurting, He is near. Somehow, someway, He is causing all things to work together for my good, and I will spend eternity with Him.