Grief And The Holidays

Holidays and Grief are a very tricky combination.

For me, the holidays are a time to refocus my heart and my mind to the things that matter most: God, family, church and friends. I turn my reflection of the year upon the goodness and faithfulness of God in my life. I can see things more clearly when I reminisce on the year and look back upon all He has done to hold my feet in place and steady my wandering heart. The holidays allow me to simply slow down - even if only for a little bit.

When we lost our son in October of 2013, right before the holidays, there were days I couldn't even get up off the couch. I couldn't hold a job and my focus was only on Christiano. When there isn't much else stimulating you, it's easy to dwell on the pain that has overtaken you. I sort of wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I wanted to escape my own reality, yet I clung to my pain because I felt closer to my son.

I'm not quite sure when I got off the couch, but this year has been a very different year for me. I literally went from 0 to 1,000 - from doing nothing to never stopping. Now, along with being a mother and wife, I'm a full time college student who also works 30+ hours a week. Now, I long for the time on the couch and cannot begin to express how I value my down time. Second to spending time with The Lord, being with my family is, and always has been, my greatest pleasure in life. I cherish each and every moment; I do so even more now that I have known the lifelong pain of losing a child. But, for most of us, enjoying family time includes taking trips down memory lane. Memory lane is a road that all of us travel down during the holidays. We rewatch all of our favorite holiday films, we decorate with all of the ornaments of old, and we continually live out all of our family traditions. Family conversations include all the memories of Christmas past. Of course we will all make some new memories, too, but the yesteryears flood our souls. We pull all of the memories out of the Christmas bank - La Sallette, driving around to look at Christmas lights, Christmas Eve pajamas, Advent Calendars, Christmas lists, and so many more. Reminiscing is especially necessary as we celebrate the birth of our Savior. Renditions of the Christmas Story never get old for, in these moments, we are reminded of the love our God has for us.

Grief in the mix of the holiday season, and especially Christmas, is a remarkable challenge. Our new moments cannot include our oldest son, and our memories will serve in  making the void more evident. We will try hard to incorporate our son into our Christmas experience, but every effort will feel awkward. Believe me, I know. I will read '64 Things Grieving Families Should do to Include Their Lost Loved One This Holiday Season,' and I will maybe try a couple. It won't help, and then I will feel even more disconnected. Trust me - when I, a grieving mother, can't even connect with another grieving mother, this leaves me feeling all the more alienated. I am thankful for the ones I have been able to connect with - the ones who understand that my grief is my own and that I have to walk or crawl it out with the Lord.

It's like I am desperate to remember, yet desperate to forget; each happy memory inevitably turning sad. I hate the absence of my son's laughter. I hate that we have more leftovers when we should be having less. He would have been 21 in February. Maybe he would have brought a girl home for Thanksgiving. I hate the extra room on the couch where his 6 foot 9 inch body used to lay. You would think that everyone having their own spot now would be awesome, but it's not. We were always 'one too many.' For Disney family packages, for movie packs, for Christmas tree cakes... Every candy pack or stocking stuffer thing comes in 3 or 5 packs. So, I always had to buy two of everything. To be honest, Christiano spent most of Thanksgiving evening sleeping, but I would give anything just to watch him sleep. That's what I want... I don't want to hang a stocking that will never again be filled or light a candle or buy another blue ornament. I mean, I did already buy a blue ornament, but I don't want to. I even might hang his stocking or buy a tree to put at his grave again, but it's not doing for me what I need it to. I want to feel better about doing these things, but I don't. But, maybe I will tomorrow. Because that is grief in a nutshell - you never know how you're going to feel. You don't plan to be sad for the only four days you get off at thanksgiving. You don't plan to have no desire to visit the cemetery. You don't plan to argue with your husband only to realize you're just missing your boy.

So, you see, I can't offer you any list of perfect do's and dont's. I always think maybe I can... And maybe one day I will. But, it really might not matter. Every day of grief is different - the same list that I once got something from now annoys me. Or, the list that once annoyed me - well, now it's just great. Grief is unpredictable and rocky. For me, Jesus is the ONLY constant. He never changes even when I do. He handles my grief perfectly - every time. He's behind me, He's ahead of me, He's all around me. Covering me. Calling me. Guiding me. Loving me. Letting me be me. He's my guide - for the holidays and for life.

I Get to GIVE Thanks

Thanksgiving or Thanksgetting?

My youngest introduced me to this new word a few days ago. He said he had heard a radio DJ saying that we should remember that it's Thanksgiving and not Thanksgetting. I thought that was a pretty clever word to come up with, and, of course, I agreed with his sentiments. Then, last night, my husband showed me an actual ad for Verizon wireless that said something along the lines of, 'Come Celebrate Thanksgetting with Verizon and get a great deal.' I couldn't believe it. 

This is a mindset that can 'get' us into trouble pretty quickly. Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks! In our family, Thanksgiving has always been a day that we forget about our lack and focus on all that we do have. It resets our focus, and, suddenly, the pile of bills, the unfinished business, the overload of school work, and the pile of laundry don't seem to matter as much. 

I understand that we all have some sort of void in our lives. Maybe it's peace or hope. Maybe it's finances or family or friends. Perhaps your marriage is suffering or someone you love is sick. Maybe your children aren't with you this Thanksgiving. Maybe you're missing a loved one and that empty chair  wants to steal your joy. Don't let it. Don't let lack 'get' you this Thanksgiving. Shift your focus to all that you do have. Don't wait for Christmas to thank God for giving His only son in hopes to gain you as His forever child. 

We all have things we'd like to get. For starters, I'd like my son to be here with us for Thanksgiving. I don't say that to make anyone feel like 'Wow, with what that family is going through how can I ever complain?' Because I know that what you are going through is real, and it hurts. I'm the one who lost her son, and I STILL get frustrated over petty things sometimes. Yesterday, I was crying over what seems like spilled milk in the grand scheme of it all. I am still human. Of course, there are times I wonder what is taking God so long in working everything out in our lives! But, my husband so lovingly reminded me last night that we have SO much to be thankful for. And, I will say, if we can choose to see that - so can you.

This Thanksgiving, choose with us. Choose to give thanks in everything and for everything. Maybe it won't diminish the needs in your life, but it will diminish the power they have over you. 

I'm thankful for so much this morning: my loving husband and all four of our amazing kids, for my other family and my friends who ARE family, for my pastors and my church, and my amazing work environment, for coffee, for sweatpants and so much more. But, mostly, I'm thankful for my Savior, Jesus Christ and the hope I have in Him. Even though it's been pretty dim the last two Thanksgivings, His light has shone for us. Because He gave, I get to give thanks for eternal life in Him. 

Happy ThanksGIVING from our family to yours!

“For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, so that whoever believes and trusts in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life.“ John 3:16 

Two Years

I'm running out of pictures of you - to look at, to share with others, to display in the house; moments have all passed, and they're passing even further away. Memories are all I have left until I see you again, and even those are becoming more fuzzy. Just last night, I was asking myself what your favorite food was, and I was getting it all mixed up in my mind. This still doesn't make any sense. You were here one day and just gone the next. We were all living life to the full, you, me, Dad, Gabriella, Brian and Nate, then you were just gone - robbed from a life spent with us, and us robbed from a life spent with you. That's when the brokenness came through and drained us of almost everything  - leaving us near empty in just one instant. You were part of our world, and I've lived to keep it that way. Every single day since, I've worked hard to keep your memory alive, to remember you and the love you gave to everyone. It's not easy, though. Especially, since you're not really here. I know you are with Jesus, waiting so patiently for us. You aren't suffering the way we've all had to without you. You've been made new and made whole; and in a different way - we've been made new, also. We aren't the same family we always were. All of our ideals - the ones for you and for us - were gone two years ago. Our 'perfect' family of six made incomplete in one instant. Invaded by tragedy - you were stolen from us. And, for the first time in my life - there was NOTHING that I could do to fix it. Since, I was a little girl I had a picture in my mind of what my family would be. Coming to know God through the revelation of Jesus Christ and his sacrifice for me at the young age of nineteen only sealed the hope of having a wonderful life. I worked hard to make that happen, while Dad worked overtime to give us all what we needed. We shared so many special times together as a young family and truly, with the help of God, we had a beautiful life going on. But, October 24th, 2013, changed EVERYTHING for us. Our wonderful, beautifully, made whole family was shattered into what felt like a million pieces. I didn't know how I could ever go on... Yet, here I am. Christiano, in your time here you taught me so much - how to care for a child, to be a good mother, to love, to have patience, to train and to disciple, to listen and to understand. But, in your death, you've taught me so much more. Because I couldn't fix this, the loss of you showed me how to really let go and let God, to trust Him with my life even if I don't always understand, to pour out my broken heart and to lay down my broken life before the throne of only one with the power to make me whole; and, God has been more than faithful. From the ruins, He has made us new and renewed our hope daily. I've learned to let him heal and mold and shape our family into what He calls it now to be. His beauty for our ashes; our lives for His glory. I'm so thankful for you, Christiano. I'm thankful that I got to spend 18 years of your earthly life, nurturing you, caring for you, loving you and mothering you. Most of all, I'm thankful for all you taught me. Just knowing that you are up there surrounding all of us in prayer and witnessing God's restoration power in your family gives me such peace.Your light shines brighter, still, than anyone I've ever known. You continue to be a rare and beautiful soul who we all love and miss so greatly. You were always destined for greatness, and I can't wait to hear of all the great things you've done when we are reunited in Heaven. 

'Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of [a]witnesses [who by faith have testified to the truth of God’s absolute faithfulness], stripping off every unnecessary weight and the sin which so easily and cleverly entangles us, let us run

with endurance and active persistence the race that is set before us...' Hebrews 12:1

Hello, Goodbye.

First off, I would like to thank all of you who have supported the Christiano Barbosa Memorial Foundation in any way. Year one was a huge success! We were able to raise almost 12,000.00, which enables us to award four deserving recipients with a 1,500 dollar scholarship! We were also able to attach a 500 dollar scholarship to a Volleyball Sportsmanship award that will now and forever be given in Christiano's name. These things would never have been possible without your prayer, financial gifts and volunteer time! So, again, we thank you. 

As you know, losing Christiano has been painfully life changing for our family. Living without his beautiful heart, contagious laughter, and unconditional love has been a daily challenge. The void in our home, family, and community can never be replaced. Christiano was like none other, and, although his spirit lives on, his tangible presence is gone from earth forever. This raw truth has brought many challenges along with it. With the loss of a loved one the hardest part is figuring out how to live without that person. But, the challenges do not stop there. Not even close. Grief is ugly and painful. It has more facets than there are words to describe. Physical loss, depression, post traumatic stress, financial strain, job struggles, relationship issues, family trauma, health problems - these are all common burdens that can come from grief. Interestingly, each one of these cause more grief. Grief can be a viscous cycle, and often it's symptoms are beyond our control. After our loss, at least one of us experienced all of the above symptoms and more. We've literally been through the ringer, and we're still walking through. 

Thankfully, we are not without hope. We have a firm hope and foundation in CHRIST. He is our anchor - firm and secure, and we have clung to Him in this time, gaining an intimacy that is far beyond our human understanding. This past year we have found the end of ourselves and learned to lean on the Lord in everything - going from parents who wanted to cling closer to our remaining children after losing one, to parents with unclenched fists and surrendered arms stretched out to the only one who is capable of carrying us. And, through it all, He HAS carried us. In a time that we could have walked away to God, His very own grace drew us deeper into His presence. It was in His presence where He began to reveal His next step for our family. Faithfully, He showed us what do do and how to move forward, even when moving forward felt like betrayal to our son. Parts of us were screaming to stay right where we were - to go back if we could. But, that's not what God wanted. He wanted us to walk forward and trust fully in His plan. 

He began to show us how to go on without forgetting our son, and the CBMF was such an intricate part of that process. However, we started to see that He had an even bigger plan than that. 

God started placing people in our hearts bigger than ever before. Our burden for people expanded, and, even though we were going through our own 'stuff,' God kept giving us opportunities to minister HIS love to broken people. Our hearts became broken for people who felt that they had no hope. There are so many who feel that way, so many who have given up. And, we understood. We understood why people wanted to quit. We were faced with that same option over and over again. And, if it were up to us - we WOULD have quit. But, God. He wouldn't let us quit. So, as things kept getting worse and more and more 'things' were being stripped from us; God kept beckoning us back to Him. We could barely stand and felt like our life was in shambles. But, we KNEW that God was with us in the ruins; that He would rebuild His kingdom within us. When we find ourselves in the ruins, (which we all do at some point) we can trust God to rebuild what is of Him. It is only what is of Him that can never be destroyed. Everything else, we have to surrender to Him; we are not in control. But, from the ruins, we can come out whole and in some ways better than before the destruction that tore everything down. Our scars will be there, and we will never forget where we have been. Just as the scars remained in Jesus' hands to cause us, his disciples, do remember that He was broken for us; our scars remain so we can remember that we were once broken, too. But, it is because of Calvary that we have been made new! Jesus didn't just talk about helping people, he did it. He took loving us so far that He gave his very life. 

In Matthew 25:35 Jesus said, 'when I was hungry you fed me, when I was thirsty you have me a drink, when I was a stranger you invited me in. That is where 'From the Ruins' comes in. We want to help you in a real and practical way. We want to come alongside you and lead you back to a place of hope and restoration. We want you to know that you aren't alone in the ruins of this life. 

"If you are generous with the hungry and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out, your lives will begin to glow in the darkness, your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight. I will always show you where to go. I’ll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—firm muscles, strong bones. You’ll be like a well-watered garden, a gurgling spring that never runs dry. You’ll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew, rebuild the foundations from out of your past. You’ll be known as those who can fix anything, restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate, make the community livable again."

Isaiah 10-12 

Through much prayer and weeping we now know that it is time to say goodbye to the Christiano Barbosa Memorial Foundation and launch From the Ruins Ministry. We are still extremely passionate about keeping our son's memory alive, but we are trusting God to do it in ways beyond our greatest expectations. We are still going to give at least one scholarship every year, as well. But, we believe that helping broken people is most effective when practical needs are being met. Grocery gift cards, paying utility bills, providing emotional support, connecting communities, adopt-a-family at Christmas... To start, these are just some of the 'little/big' things we want to do within this organization. We have big dreams, but we serve a BIG God. We are looking forward to loving others as He has loved us. He is leading us every step of the way, and I have no doubt that this ministry will bring God glory in all things. 

Please pray for us as we embark on this adventure. I never want to be anything but honest with all of you, so let me just say, this is not the story we wanted, but we have vowed to give God our story - for Him to finish, no matter what the cost. And, to those of you who have listened to our hearts as we've allowed God to show us His plan and for bearing with us in prayer for His clarity and perfect will - we are eternally grateful. And, thank you to our son in heaven who has been cheering us on since his departure! We thank you, Christiano. Sometimes, I can literally hear you telling me to keep going! And, the biggest thanks of all - to God: our Father, our King, and our most faithful and constant friend. We know You are for us! 

So, we say Hello, Goodbye! 

Ready, Set, Let's Go!!

Mothers Without

Mothers Without

Mothers who are without this Mother's Day - this is for you.

Mothers without a mother to hug or a child to hold, mothers without the ability to bear a child of their own or mothers estranged from their children, mothers without their husband to praise them, mothers without hope and without peace, mothers without strength and without answers to life's questions, mothers without solutions to the worlds problems and without explanations for the many injustices all around us. It is for mothers like these that I cry out to God for today. I cry out to Him because He knows. He knows each pain, burden, each suffering that we ever experience. Not only does He know, but He cares. The Bible tells us we can cast our cares on the Lord and He will sustain us. And, why? Because we are all called children of God. 

Any mother knows what it's like to want to provide for her children. We don't want to see them go through the hard things. From the little falls that skin their knees to the bigger falls that we can no longer fix with a simple kiss and a bandaid. For mothers, just seeing our child cry is enough to make us cry. We long to comfort and fix. We long to make it go away. But, sometimes we just can't. When our son strikes out and loses the game, we just can't fix it. When our daughter's best friends moves far away, we simply can't fix it. What's done is done, and we can't change what's already been done. All we can do for our children in these situations is love, pray, love, listen, comfort and love some more.

For so long, I thought I could never be fixed. Losing Christiano was something that I just couldn't ever fathom healing from. I would often think, 'what's done is done.' Of course, I have always believed that God is my father and that he can bring comfort and healing to my situation - that He could, of course, bring me forward through my pain. But, I really just thought I'd always be broken. A mother who has lost a child has lost a part of herself. A mother who has lost a child has a forever hole in her heart. A mother who has lost a child is always going to have something missing and something broken. She will NEVER be whole. Those are all things I thought. And, sometimes I still do. But, really - I think I forget sometimes...

I forget that I'm a daughter of the King. I forget that God is the restorer to the broken. I forget that my God is bigger than anything else this world has to offer. I forget that my Father is Holy and ABLE to do exceedingly more that I could ever ask or think. I forget that Christiano was never truly mine and that he's been brought back to his original creator. I forget that God promises to replace my heart of stone with his heart of flesh - the heart that should have more room for Him than anyone or anything else. I forget that His love for me isn't based on anything I have done. I think I thought that since a bandaid couldn't fix me, that I'd just never be fixed. But, I forgot that God is God; and He is bigger than all of this. 

This Mother's Day and every Mother's Day - I am His daughter, above all. Although being a mother is such a huge part of who He made me, it is not ultimately who I am. Although it is a great gift, He is the greatest gift. Who I really am is His. He is the One who knows my pain. He is the One who heals my heart. He is the One who holds my future. And, because He is all of this - I don't have to mask my pain or hide my hurt. I don't have to fake a smile. I don't have to pretend that I'm whole. I get to be just as I am, and I get to know that He's working all of it out. I get to know that I'm in his loving hands and that I will someday be whole again - whether that's now or later, whether it's here or there, this one thing I know... I am His, forever. 

Happy Mother's Day to every mother out there. Find yourself in Him - your worth, your heart, your identity; let it all be in the One who will forever call you daughter. You will never truly be without if you let God live within. 

It's Friday Now, But Sunday's Coming

It's Friday Now, But Sunday's Coming...

Friday didn't look so GOOD 2,000 years ago, yet we call this Good Friday. This day acknowledges the day Jesus gave his life for ours - the day he was abused, condemned, mocked, misunderstood and wrongfully accused; the same day that his mother, Mary, had to watch as her son was being whipped and beaten beyond recognition; the day she watched her son die. Yet, we call it good. It does not seem to make sense, right?

I cannot help but feel for Jesus's disciples. Imagine having Jesus right by your side, having your back, and working everything out; going from a place of complete confidence and faith to a place of severe grief and utter despair. And, all of this happened on a Friday. Not just any Friday, but a Friday that the world would eventually call good? NOTHING about that Friday was good, if we look at the events that took place. What is good about pain? What could be good about an innocent man being beaten and flogged and crucified unto death?

BUT, God. BUT, Sunday! Friday would have never looked so good if there wasn't a Sunday. God never would have been seen faithful if there wasn't a Sunday. Sunday brought forth LIFE for death, Hope for despair, and Heaven for Hell! Sunday made Friday good, after all.

Some of us are in a Friday season; some of us cannot see Sunday yet. We cannot see a way out of our situation; the pain is raw and the confusion is deep. I have been living and re-living Friday for almost 18 months. But, Sunday is coming! I KNOW IT! It's only Friday, but Sunday is coming!

Perfection died, so we could live.

And, my life died once, too. My life as I knew it died on October 24th, 2013. My definition of perfect - gone forever. But, I am not without hope, and I am not without my Sunday - the day where death lost it's sting and it's victory! God was for us on Friday, an He is for us on Sunday!

If our God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare His own Son, but gave Him up for us all-how will He not also, along with Him, freely give us all things? Romans 8:31-32

If you are still in your Friday, God understands. He knows the pain of losing a son and the pain of being rejected. In fact, there is no pain common to us that Jesus himself did not endure. But, this brings me comfort... that Jesus could, in his human flesh, endure his Friday knowing that Sunday would come.

Don't quit. Don't give up. Don't stop believing for your Sunday.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...

'Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.' -Forrest Gump 

This quote rings true to every day, but what better day to reflect on it then 'Love Day?' I've learned that in this life there are no guarantees, warrantees, returns or refunds. No amount of will power can can make life cooperate just the way we want it to. This life is JUST like a box of chocolates. You make a choice to pick the chocolate you like and then pop it in your mouth. You bite and chew until you start to taste the flavor. And, it just may be the best tasting chocolate you've ever had. Or, it may be the yuckiest! It's one of those things that you just can't know until after you've already made the choice. Similarly, in this life, we are faced with choices every day. For all of us, they start the minute we open our eyes. Will we get up, or will we stay in bed a little longer? Will we pray and read the word, or will we do that later? Some of us are waking to a baby crying or to the phone ringing. Will we go pick up the child or let him fuss a while longer? Will we answer the phone or let it go to the voicemail? Just as we are faced with choices, we are also presented with opportunities. Opportunities to draw closer to God, to love people better, to eat a little healthier, or to lean on the Lord for everything that concerns us. Or, we can choose to ignore the opportunities. Reject God, harbor bitterness, eat whatever we please, or just do everything in our own strength. Some of us will simply go through the motions or fly by the wind, believing that we aren't really making any true decisions. But, when we don't make any decisions, we deceive ourselves. Because, indecision is still decision. 

How amazing is it to know that God chose to love us before the foundations of the earth? Before, we ever did anything right or made a right choice? That God doesn't operate and function the way we so? That he knew exactly what he was going to get from you and from me, and He still CHOSE us? That God doesn't waiver in His love or in His choice toward us? 

Ephesians 1:4-5 says, 'Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes. God decided in advance to adopt us into his own family by bringing us to himself through Jesus Christ. This is what he wanted to do, and it gave him great pleasure.'

He wanted us! And, choosing us gave him great pleasure! Even with the ugly parts of us and the unpleasantries in each of us, He didn't waiver on His choice to love us! He has a beautiful end to this crazy earth life, predestined for all of us. To live with and become one with Christ; to experience eternal pleasure forever. And, He has gone ends of the earth for you to know this love. He gave his only son for YOU. 

Life IS like a box of chocolates and we can't really ever know what today or tomorrow will bring. But, when we choose God, we can know that He will be with us. We can know that this life isn't all there is; that what we experience here is nothing compared to what has been laid out for those who choose Him. All we can really know about this life is that it will end one day. It seems so sad to me; so hard to believe that we just live for a while and then die. As I said before, in this life there are no guarantees, warrantees, returns or refunds. However, there is a wonderful exchange policy. Christ gave His life, so that we may live for eternity. 

John 3:16 says, 

'For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.'

It really is that simple, friends. This life isn't all there is. If it were, how could I ever keep going? I know that I know that I will see my son again. This is the hope I have in Christ. The truth is, this life can never truly fill us. Even if everything was to go our way, there would still be a void. We all thirst for more, if we are truly being honest with ourselves. Only God can fill that deep hole that just doesn't seem to go away. We were made for more than here and now. What better day to receive the free love offered to us then Valentine's Day? It will be the best choice you ever make; a true exchange offered freely with no strings attached. The one choice that tells you exactly 'what you're gonna get.'